Perfect Fit…

“Are you having fun and really enjoying this job?  Because, I have to tell you, it seems like you are a perfect fit for this position!”

That’s what my boss told me today… very enthusiastically… very happily.  He meant it as an extreme compliment.  It was a compliment.  I’m lucky that way, I guess.  My boss is constantly thanking me and telling me how great I am doing…  even said I have “changed his life”.   Changed his life?  Apparently, he’s been telling everyone that.. including his wife who mentioned it to me with a bit of a roll of her eyes.   So, yeah… I guess I’m pretty damn good, eh?  lol  I mean, sure it’s nice to get pats on the back…  and to be appreciated…  but, for some reason,  I am having a hard time taking this as a compliment this time.

I have been in my new job for just over a year now, and am finally feeling like I reeeeally know what I’m doing.  Which is a good feeling.   I had a lot to learn, and was thrown into it…  and it was a complete change from any other job I’ve had.  I wasn’t positive I would like it… or fit in… or be able to do it.  But, here I am…  all established.  I’m in.  Everyone likes me and appreciates me… and I like all of them well enough too.   I  even feel like we are doing something “good”.  Something important that will help lots of people. Yup – I have successfully mastered yet another job… and, now, “I’m a perfect fit”.  So, what is my problem?  Why did that compliment strike a nerve with me?

Well, it’s just that I have heard this from every boss I’ve ever had.   It was a bit of a déjà vu moment.  One even told me I was “a star”… One of those “star” employees that only comes along once in a blue moon.   So, I had heard this before…  Only, all of my past jobs have varied quite a bit.  Matter of fact, they have hardly anything in common.  The only thing in common, was I went into it not knowing if it was something I really wanted to do, but felt like I had to do/try.

I never really knew what I wanted to do.  I never got a degree…  partially because I couldn’t decide what to go to school for.  I guess, I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I just knew I needed money, and I needed to work to get it, and so I did.  I found that if I threw myself into something I could learn it fairly easily.  I’m a quick learner…  and when I set my mind to something, I can do it.  I can also bullshit my way through, until I figure it out for real.  I was also lucky to know the right people to get my foot in the door, and have great references.   Then, when I interviewed, I told them I was positive I could do this job.  I was the epitome of confidence, at least on the outside.  My Dad taught me that…  He made me feel like I could do anything I wanted to.  So, I always believed I could…  eventually.  And, he was right –  because, I did it.

But, was it what I wanted to do?  Probably not.  I pretty much took whatever job came along and sounded like a decent opportunity.  I just decided to try it.. and made a go of it.  No,  actually, I didn’t just make a go of it… I poured myself into it  – heart and soul.  I seem to fit myself into whatever mold they are looking for.  I guess this can be a good thing… but, it also makes me wonder what the heck am I really interested in???   What dreams have I given up on long ago?  I seriously am not sure.

I use to like it when a boss, or whoever, told me they thought I was doing such a great job… that I was a “natural”…. or “perfect fit”.   I think, I even might have believed them the first time or two I heard it.  This time, it didn’t feel so good.  It felt fake.  It felt phony.  Not because I think he was lying… I know he meant it as a compliment and he believed it.  But, I also know it can’t be true.  It can’t be.  I’ve heard it too many times before…  and I know I didn’t just naturally fit into any of those various jobs…  No, I worked hard to be what they wanted me to be.  There was nothing natural about it.

It occurred to me, that it’s not just jobs I do this with.  Maybe, I’ve done this in many areas of my life.  Taking what I can get.  Settling for whatever comes along.   Helping others with their goals…  but, never really knowing what it is that *I* wanted and going after it.  Never even feeling like I have the right to do that.  It sort of sucks not really having any clear goals and attaining them…

For a girl who grew up so skeptical, and defiant…  and acted/acts so tough and confident…  I sure can be very compliant and agreeable.  WTF is up with that?  And, who knew???  Nobody would think I am like that.  Or do they? Maybe I’m only kidding myself.   I come across all independent and head strong.  I don’t take crap from anyone.  And, yet…  I will bend over backwards to do a great job where I never had any interest before.  I will make you believe that I was born for this job.  Yes – I’m a perfect fit.  Just tell me what you want me to be! Watch me latch on to your dreams and goals and make them mine!

How      the hell      did this      happen?

For some reason, I am suddenly remembering a boy who signed my yearbook when I was in 10th grade.  He wrote, “you act all tough and like your some funny, wild & crazy girl…  but, you are just a shy, scared, and sweet little girl.  Don’t change”.   This was from a boy I hardly knew but was paired up with in a photo class I took.  He was a senior… and I only knew him from that class. I wondered if he liked me, but doubted he did.   I remember that when  I read what he wrote, I was surprised.  For a minute, I thought he knew something about me I didn’t know he knew.  Then, I wondered if he was serious or kidding and I laughed it off as a joke…  but, ya know?   I think he had me pegged.

~smj

7 Responses to “Perfect Fit…”

  1. when you’re unable to decide on your dream(s)
    i guess it’s easier to hitch a ride on someone else’s.
    equally…
    when you know what “they are” and your dreams get squashed (for whatever reason),
    where else does one go other than to find purpose
    in helping someone live theirs.

    …otherwise life becomes nothing more than a hamster wheel
    that eventually needs oiling to get rid of the irritating squeak.
    :-)

    • I guess… but, I’m not convinced if it’s really easier or the best alternative. Oh, it’s not a bad one… and, I’m sure there are those whose purpose is exactly that – to help others – and, I definitely do seem to enjoy that myself… along with helping dogs… and whatever else crosses my path… but, I still get the feeling there’s something more… something I’m forgetting to do for myself… ya know?

      And, then that incessant squeaking starts again…

      *s*

      Thanks for the read and thoughts.

  2. It sounds like you are a sanguine personality–a chameleon type that is able to adapt and be flexible enough to attune to many different environments and groups. The upside is obvious–you become the valued ‘natural’. The downside is–you’ve hit it–who are YOU really? hmm? What is the perfect fit for YOU? Now that turns the tables upside down and inside out.
    As for the guy who ‘saw’ you—there aren’t many people who both see and are willing to share their obeservations–ta da–insight from a moment in time w/o any bs. Perhaps he was like you and recognized it–or it as his gift to see people clearly.
    Really enjoyed this peice. Thank you.

    • Thanks 47WB. =) This was actually something I wrote a few years back, but had “private” for whatever stupid reasons… but, I’m in the process of leaving my current position – so, it all resurfaced in my brain. Been thinking a lot about this kind of thing lately… and, will probably be posting more on it soon…

      And that guy… I think he did get to know me more than a lot of people did back then, in a short time… I think, maybe he did like me… and/or I kind of liked him.. and, that “tough girl” act went out the window when he saw how was nervous I was around him… we never kissed… but, it reminds me of this other old poem of mine anyway (https://samanthamariahjane.wordpress.com/2009/07/22/reluctant-kiss/) LOL

      Thanks for the read and your thoughts. =)

  3. A have a friend who has taught me a few great quotes over the years, I can’t find where this one came from me using Google, although he said he’d read it somewhere. It might relax the concerns you raise here. It took me a few years to “get” it, I will confess. Anyway, here it is.

    “It is unbecoming to become anyone.”

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