head first (haiku)

 

dive right in, head first
to you.   then sit back and see
if I sink or swim

 ~~

14 Comments to “head first (haiku)”

  1. dive right in head first
    to you then sit back and see
    if I sink or swim

    had to tryi it without the punctation to see if it gives the words more ‘play’–what do you think?
    I like them both…but the glory –and pain–of haiku old style is getting a little to do much more than usually expected of words…Or such is how I think of them. Again, what’s your thoughts?

    • I think, I like your version better… it does leave more open for interpretation…. and, I agree that is a good thing – especially wih haiku’s. (or haikools, as my friend likes to call them. :))

      I also was undecided on the words themselves, and thought of this variation as well:

      let me dive right in
      head first to you I wonder
      if I’ll sink or swim

      ??

      • oh no, the haiku isn’t mine. it’s your’s. we’re just both playing to get it where you want it most to be.
        Your other version works more like an American haiku–it has more pointed direction to the question at hand.
        question is–what are ‘you’ trying to get across most?

  2. i myself have never managed to do anything but sink

    maybe i’m too heavy

    or doing something wrong. if you manage to stay afloat, do tell how

    (i loved this piece. just the right touch)

    . m

    • thank you again… I am good at treading water… but, eventually, tend to sink as well….

      • oh, hold on. i think i’ve figured out my problem

        whenever i dive in head first, i always just lie there face down. which doesn’t work so well for someone who floats so poorly as i

        next time i’ll try sitting back. and maybe see if i can tread water a little

        and i do love this haiku. pack a lot into so tight an image, you do

        . m

  3. Love it! Ah….the courage to plunge. Gimme, gimme, gimme!

  4. Sam: Love the poem, love the visuals!

    47WhiteBuffalo: Love the haiku, a wonderful collaborative effort!

    Either of you care for another variation? Willing to do a ‘threesome”?

    The Nerd

    • WordNerd –
      LOL – thank you… and, sure hop on in…. but, I did write the first “head first” haiku – and 47WhiteBuffalo re-wrote it without punctuation… That was the variation… and, it was helpful advice. I do think it was more fluid, open, without all the periods, and comma’s. I will always take all the help I can get… and, add on’s, re-writes, and newly inspired verses/comments are more than welcome! =)
      ~ Sam (sorta)

  5. me likey! :)

  6. So finely expressed, both versions.

talk to me...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: