My Angel

Here I am
talking to you again,
my angel.

Wondering
if you’re still watching
over me and, if I still
make you proud?

I know I’m no angel.
I know you’d agree.
Then again, neither were you.  But,
you were to me.
So, I guess, at least sometimes
it’s true…  The apple doesn’t fall
far from the tree.

If anyone could understand
or forgive me, for anything,
for everything, I would think
it would be you. The angel
who almost made me believe
I could fly, long before he had wings
of his own.

Oh, how I wish I could fly now!
Just fly away! Soar through the clouds
with you… laughing
with delight and, at the way we look
with wings.

But no,
I’m no angel.

Even though, I really tried
to be your angel. And you
have always been one
to me.

Can you see me? Can you hear me?
I’m talking to you,
Dad.  I miss you so much
and I need an angel
tonight.

~ smj

Dog & Butterfly, by Heart

12 Comments to “My Angel”

  1. He is there… in your words, I saw him… smiling

    • thank you, enreal… I miss his smiles, too..

      ya know once.. when I was about 4, I had a dream that I got a little tricycle, with cloud pedals… and when I rode it, I could fly! This dream was so real, that I thought there really was such a trike – and, I wanted one so bad for my birthday.

      My father told me that he had such a hard time convincing me that there wasn’t such a thing, and said that he wished there was because he would have gotten it for me. He was torn between wanting to let me believe in the miracle of flight and magic…. but, aslo wanting me to know that if he could, he would gave gotten it – so, feeling like he had to let me know why he couldn’t. lol

      That was the kind of Dad he was…. and, that was also the first of many “flying” dreams that I remember. He’s been gone now, for almost 8 years… but, I still miss him every day… and the way he always lifted me up, or at least wanted to. Right now, I’m going thru a really difficult thing…. and, I wish so bad he was here to talk to… I know I can still talk to him.. but, you know what I mean..

      • You know what I believe? I believe that when I think or am reminded of my father it is because he is here… even when I read your words I saw and felt him sit next to me… there exists a thin line between us and the next us… it may be a bit out there, but it is what I believe… there is so much we can not explain and so much that we shouldn’t…

        Still talk to your dad? I do too and if i listen really hard, I can hear him. Listen and know that what I might say may truly be him… as I heard my father through your words and poems today, yesterday and on other occasions…

        Let me know if you need “talk”… drop me a line anytime…

        Be well and find peace in the syncronicities of life…

  2. A woman like you, a dad like him – he can hear you, have no doubt.

  3. enreal – thank you so much. I have always felt the “father” connection with you also… and, love so many of the words you write. these were no exception. thank you.

    jaymie – thanks to you also. As usual, you are too kind. I am so NOT good at not having doubts about so many things… but, I do feel him here with me often. thanks again for saying this.

  4. I don’t know if he can hear you.. And true, we aren’t all angels, too.. But should that stop us from going on?? I don’t think we need the fancy angel wings to fly.. Maybe all we need to do is go ahead and give our best, and if our best is worth a darn, we’ll just start soaring! Oh, and then you have all the wonderful memories to fal back upon, that can supplement you as you soar higher and higher…
    And yes, if he is indeed looking down at you, that would be even better.. as he’ll feel proud of all you do!

    • thanks Charles.. =)
      My father wasn’t a religious man, to say the least… but, he was a good man.. and a great Dad… and, he gave his best to me. Memories are wonderful to have… and they can, and do, get me through so much… but, sometimes.. I swear.. I feel more than just those memories of him with me.. sometimes… If I didn’t know better… I would think he was standing right behind me… his hand on my shoulder.. still backing me up, as always…

  5. You are lucky then, to feel his presence even after the years.. It would me, he never truely left you.. as cliched as it may sound, the concept of living on through someone else’s heart, engendered by the classic Titanic saga, has a lot more to it than mere being something deeply emotional… So, he lives on, within you.. and you’d do well to take care of yourself.. and him.. along this journey of a lifetime!

    Oh.. btw.. I dunno if your reply was addressed to my comment, but if it was, I’m not called Charles! :)

  6. I know how you feel…the deep sadness. After my mom died, I cried everyday for about 6 months. Time stood still. I guess I felt if I cried hard enough she ‘d somehow come back. My family suffered a little bit because that is all I thought about. I cried one last time,the hardest ever, as I held my husband, and I knew I had to let her go if I wanted to go on. I pictured her in my mind waving good-bye and going up to heaven. I waved back and sobbed and said,”I’ll see you when I get there. Love you!”. Sobbed some more and let it go. I haven’t cried since, but that doesn’t mean I have stopped loving her or even stopped thinking of her. I have some poems about her on my blog as well. that’s how I found you. good luck.:)

    • Hi Cheryl… thank you for the read and nice comments. It is hard (to say the least) to lose someone we love. The best thing that helped me to cope with losing my father, was knowing that he wouldn not want me to be miserable. He would want me to take care of myself and his grandchildren, my children, the best I could.

      I have written a few other poems with him in mind, if you’re interested… (http://poemsbysam.wordpress.com/tag/dad/)

      I look forward to reading more on your blog as well…

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