Learning to Fly…

“Can’t keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I.”
– from “Learning to Fly”, by Pink Floyd…

———————————————————

I’ve been procrastinating again.  Putting off writing in this blog… or writing anywhere for that matter.  Why?  Why do I do this to myself, when I know that writing is something I not only enjoy doing, but feel compelled to do?  I know that writing things out helps me think things through.  It helps me vent and it helps me feel more clarity and grounded.  I know it may be difficult to believe that, when I tend to write in random babbling circles…  but, somehow it’s true.  I’m happier when I write regularly.

Not writing is almost like punishment.  No.  Not, “like punishment”… it’s punishment.  Punishment inflicted by yours truly onto yours truly.  Is it the whole “guilty pleasure” thing again?  I like to make up much simpler  excuses, like lack of time… and demands of life.  You know, perfectly good, solid, acceptable reasons.  But, really, there must me some element of self sabotage that comes into play here because it’s like I simply start putting myself, and what is important to me personally, down on the bottom of the great task list of life (again).   Typical, I suppose, for many of us.  Maybe, it’s even deeper than that…  ?? Maybe, I’m afraid of what I’ll come up with.  ?  Maybe, I’m afraid to figure out what I’m really thinking… by writing it out. ?  Wow.  Just thought of that.  So, see what I mean??  Scary stuff sometimes just blurts out of my fingers when I type…  ;)

Then, to make it more complicated, when I don’t write for a long time, I start to feel a major disconnect.  My brain and fingers seem to no longer be capable of working together creatively.  A sense of disconnect in general sets in.   Oh, I will calmly mention to those close to me that I haven’t written anything lately and need to.  They may mention the same to me.   I mention it to myself a lot, starting with that same calm voice inside my head.  Eventually the calmness becomes more like a nagging voice inside my head that creeps over my whole being, and slowly builds up to a silent screaming of sorts where I tell myself that I NEED to start writing again!

Eventually, I will acknowledge this as fact, but rather than start writing  I will then procrastinate a little more by telling myself that I will write… or would write… just as soon as and if only I can decide on WHAT to write about.  Then, that’s as far as I get… because I don’t seem to have anything really worth writing about…  truly I  don’t (sorry).  So, I delay relief a little longer and wait for some non-existent wonderful plan of action or idea to spring into and from my head.

It never comes.

Sooner or later, I just start writing… like now…  rambling… babbling…  stuttering on about nothing.  Like a wounded bird jumping around on the ground… flapping wings and generally making a lot of commotion without actually going anywhere…  hoping that somehow it will all start to work… that the movement alone will help my wings to suddenly be inspired to fly…  and that the words will somehow flow out of me…   in time for me to latch on to them… and glide with them over my wall….  my ridiculous wall built of writer’s blocks and silly excuses…  and soar into currents of warm air and paragraphs of contentment.

~ smj

6 Comments to “Learning to Fly…”

  1. Funny this NOTHING that you say you are writing about seems to be SOMETHING dosent it?! Keep going with the wounded bird idea!

    • thanks… I debated between a car trying to get going…. or a plane… but, the bird scenario felt more like it… not the “wounded” part to much…. as just the feeling of trying to lift off…

  2. “Paragraphs of contentment”

    Definitely :)

  3. Hell, writing is like punishment to me, at least creatively. I have done nothing all summer long, but I have spent my time reading and collecting quotes and poetry. Hopefully I’ll learn something, if nothing else, it makes me more insightful, I just can’t get it into words. I think I miss writing the prose more than the poetry. Unfortunately, I’m a lazy prose writer. I am taking American Lit this fall. I’m sure I’ll get something out of that. I’ve really enjoyed my literature courses. That seems to inspire me more than the creative writing courses. Hey–I got published last spring in my college’s online journal. They chose four of my pieces!

    http://www.milemarkerreview.com/

    I’ve been validated.

    • Hey Charles. =) Well – to each their own, right? And, I think writing because you have to (for homework or work) is a lot different than just writing because you feel like it or say, in a diary of sorts. So, if you DON’T feel like it… and, it feels like punishment – then, by all means… take a break from it.

      Reading poetry and collecting quotes sounds pretty good too. Glad you’re getting your fill of inspiration to pull from later when you start writing more again. I hadn’t been doing much reading either… and, that was part of my problem.

      And, CONGRATS on being published. =) Very cool. Looks like you’re all over that edition. Nice. Looking forward to more from you… when you’re ready… ;)

      Take care!

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