Writing for myself…

I started my first real journal when I was about 12 years old.  Since then, I have almost always had a journal, or diary or blog of some sort.   When I was a kid, there weren’t any blogs (yes, I’m old).   I just wrote in an old beat up notebook – which turned into a huge 3 ring binder.   I wrote about a page or so, almost every day.  More often than not I just wrote about whatever had happened that day, and how I was feeling.  Sometimes, I wrote poems.

Usually, I wrote before I went to bed,  but there wasn’t any rhyme or reason. I would write in my diary even when I was tired, or had homework, or other things that I should have been doing.  In those entries,  I would write things like, “I should be studying for my math test, but I’m writing instead, Oh well.”   When I didn’t write for a few days, I would apologize to myself in my next entry, saying things like, “I can’t believe I didn’t write sooner, it’s going to be hard to catch up now”.    As if I felt like I was suppose to be writing everything down.  ??   I guess,  I had this guilty pleasure thing going with myself and my writing from an early age…
Still, I wrote.

I wrote because I wanted to and only for myself.  Once in a blue blue moon back then, I would read excerpts from my diary to my best friends.  It was fun to look back and say, “One year ago today we were doing _____”, and they usually got a kick out of whatever I did read to them.   However, I never would hand the whole book over to anyone.   I remember one friend getting upset with me actually about that… but, I refused.  It was private…  and I didn’t plan on showing it to anyone.  I certainly never planned on my mother finding it when I was 16 and reading the whole damn thing.  Yeah.  That was a kick in the pants and a good lesson on privacy…  But, I digress… again…   the point is that I just wrote for myself.

Blogging is different.  We write with the intention to share, and the hope that others will read it.  Oh, we may not expect too many will read it, and often, they do not.  We may not even want people to know that is it us that wrote it…  but, it still feels good to get it out there sometimes.  So, even when we write anonymously, like I sort of do, we write it with the understanding that others can, and will, read it.   Even if we mainly are writing for our own amusement, if we post it on a blog – it is not really just for us anymore, is it?

While I don’t really have any set agenda for this blog, I do love sharing my poetry and thoughts.  Even when people aren’t really reading – it does just feel good to get it out.  I’ve also “met” some really cool people.  Learned a lot.  I’ve been introduced to things that I never would have had the opportunity to experience.   I’ve received positive feedback and invaluable criticism.  I’m still amazed and surprised when anyone actually really seems to relate to, or enjoys something I’ve written.  It’s a good feeling.  Validating.  Therapeutic even at times.  Not to mention interesting…  right?  It’s like “people-watching”, from the inside out.  Yes, blogging, in general,  is just plain pretty cool, right?  Of course, it can also be a lot of work.  Time consuming.  And, even with a personal blog, with no real agenda, it’s easy to start feeling a certain kind of pressure to write something that is worth sharing  – regardless of who your sharing it with.

Then came my most recent ah-ha moment.  I’ve enjoyed blogging so much, that I think I totally forgot how well my old diary served me.  I think, that sometimes,  I still need to write just for myself.  Not to anyone… or for anyone… or about anything in particular.  Not to make any specific point.  Not because I feel like I should.  And for my eyes only.  Not because I’m hiding anything… or afraid to share…  but, simply because sometimes, I like my privacy..  and sometimes, I might write things in private, that I wouldn’t write in public.

Somewhere along the line I think I started to feel like unless I had something worth sharing, or something I’m open to sharing (ahhh..  now, that’s more like it, eh? Because Lord knows I’ve posted plenty of “unworthy” posts! ;) ) – then I shouldn’t bother writing about it.   Part of this is the whole blogging mentality, I think.  And, part of it might be this damn honesty kick I’ve been on lately.  LOL  But, either way, I think it may be part of the reason why I tend to go off the grid sometimes, and don’t write for long periods of time (which seems to send me into a general funk).

I think I started to figure this out a while back in a post I wrote back about my old diary, but I didn’t quite grasp the privacy aspects involved and how that was playing in… and then I never really followed through… (imagine that).

So, I’m going to start trying to write like I did when I was a teenager  – at least sometimes.  Don’t worry, I don’t mean I’m going to start using words like “barfomatic” again or anything… I just want to try to recapture that “writing for my own pleasure” attitude again somehow.  Whether it’s to just chronicle what’s happening, or to vent and think through things.    If it’s something  personal that I’m not okay with sharing with the world – well, that’s when I just don’t make that entry public.  It doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth writing.   Besides, some day, perhaps 10 years down the road, I may want to look back again, and might get a kick out of some of the things I was thinking/writing – but, didn’t want to share with the world….  just yet.

~

 
30 Seconds to Mars-The Story

2 Comments to “Writing for myself…”

  1. It does help just to write. The pen and paper were always my best friend: non-judgement and an unerring listener. I never had to stop and think about what I was saying…I just said it. That freedom was often a sanity saver back then. It’s always interesting to go back through the old journals I still have and see what my mind was like back then too.

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