Acceptance…

I woke up, thinking about this poem I wrote a few years back called “Grief” (https://samanthamariahjane.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/grief/)…  I was trying to remember the ending…  I couldn’t remember the last step.  I woke up with the words going through my head, and for the life of me, couldn’t remember the last stage of grief.  I had to look and remember… Acceptance.  Yes. That’s it.

I wasn’t sure why this was in my head at first, but then it quickly dawned on me that I think I’ve been going through this process lately… not over a death of a loved one, as I originally wrote that poem about…  but,  over my own situation as of late.   I think, I was stuck in the process…  am… am stuck.  I’m not able, or willing to hit that acceptance stage…

…And, I don’t think I will.  Not in this case.   I don’t want to accept it.  Why should I? This health issue that’s been cast upon me.  I don’t even know what it is exactly yet that I’m dealing with, and I’m a far cry off from being done fighting it.  I do know it’s not life-threatening….  and, really, I guess I’m being a big baby for even grieving at all.  I just need to have whatever surgery I need… do what I have to do… and I will get my life back .

And then, it dawned on me that while I can (and should, and DO) have hope that this nightmare will all be over soon, and that I can and will get my life back…  that doesn’t change the fact that I am where I am now.  And where is that, you ask?  Well,  basically, I can hardly walk – now.  Over the last few short months, I have gone from being 100% healthy and self-sufficient, to being barely able to walk.  It’s been a whirlwind of doctors, and questions, and tests… while my limping, pain and pain meds just increased.  I have slowly had to stop doing things I love…  like walking my dog and going places with my kids…. and am finding it increasingly difficult or damn near impossible to do things I don’t even love, but need to do…. like go grocery shopping and work.  WTF?!   I’ve suddenly been labeled disabled, or handicapped, and I have a parking sticker to prove it.  It’s been scary.  It’s all happened so fast… and I feel like I’ve already lost so much…  in such a short time…  temporarily or not.  So, I think I’m already grieving and going through the stages of grief…  except for the acceptance part.

I know things could be worse.  Much, much worse.  When I think about how much more (more problems, more pain, more loss, so much more than my stupid measly problems) that  so many others have to deal with, I feel ridiculous for being upset at all.  Am I that weak?   Selfish?  I hate to admit how weak I am.  It sort of goes against the whole tough-girl act that I’ve always gone out of my way to put on.   But, yeah… that’s an act.  A damn good act for the most part, but anyone who really knows me knows that by now.  Still, somehow, we all forget anyway – including me.   When it comes down to it, I am weak… and selfish….scared…   and I do feel sorry for myself right now.

So, no. I don’t accept this twist of fate.  Not permanently, but, today, I  admit my humanity…  my weakness…  and accept, at least, that.  I will also try to accept that I am grieving for myself right now…  for my stupid leg that won’t work… and try to accept where I am right now…  how I am right now.  Maybe, if  I can accept that this IS happening, in it’s entirety, then maybe, I can start healing… emotionally for now…  if not physically just yet.

Maybe.

smj

8 Comments to “Acceptance…”

  1. Yours is a completely understandable emotion in my book. Praying that you get fixed up soon.

  2. You’re not weak–or you wouldn’t even be writing this to trly to work the situation and your feelings. You’re human. You’re vulnernable. You’re having an ‘adventure’ you’d rather not experience. You’re in it and you don’t like it. Ok. You don’t have to “like” it at all. You’re in the present of be-ing. It will change judging from what you’ve written. Take it on. Absorb it. Learn about yourself. Go forward. Acceptance does not mean resignation. Just facing the reality of the current situation. Hang in there. Keep writing. It’s okay to be angry. Why shouldn’t you be? Emotions ‘are’. We are able to feel them for a reason. We humans are wired that way. Why deny it?
    Hugs and support. I hope this sounds supportive. That’s the intention.
    You know the Dylan Thomas poem–Do Not Go….

    • Yes, that was very supportive. you always are… Thank you so much for that. I guess I don’t want to be this big downer, but venting though writing does help. Things will change, but I think it might take a lot longer than I’d like… And in the mean time I have to just do what I can. And yes, that is a great poem….

  3. What you are feeling is totally normal human emotions given what you are dealing with…have to agree with 47whitebuffalo.

  4. wow…I had no idea you were going through so much….would hug you if I could…just know its not permanent and you will get back to that place you remember again….I hope everything is moving forward so you can get back to yourself soon…will be thinking and praying for you….

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