Maybe Tomorrow…

Ten years ago, when my father died- I remember feeling like my world stopped.  Everyone just went about their normal lives, talking about normal things… asking me normal questions…  but I felt like screaming, “what is wrong with you?!?  Don’t you realize what has happened here?  NOTHING will ever be “normal” again!”  Nothing they were saying or complaining about seemed to matter.   I felt like everything should change for everyone, but it doesn’t.  Life goes on.  As it should.

I’m not sure how long I was stuck in a funk back then…  but I remember that for a while, nothing did really matter… or at least not the “normal” things that most think matter.   I guess, the old cliche is true… how, when something really bad happens, it makes you realize what really is important in life.  For me,  it made me realize just how little that really is.  I mean, 

there is just so….  much…. bullshit!  Which, I realize is rather condescending.  Who am I to tell anyone else what matters, and what doesn’t.  Depending on who you are, where you are, and what you are  – little things can and do matter…  and sometimes, we will make sure they do, won’t we?  Eventually, the little things started mattering more and more to me again too.   Maybe too much…

Now it’s my own health situation making me feel like life is just breaking down again…like everything is just falling apart along with myself.   This is a new one on me.  I never had the luxury of being handicapped before.  Maybe it’s another wake up call…  but, right now I’m having a hard time appreciating anything really.   Right now, nothing seems fair.  Nothing seems okay.  I’m trying to deal with and accept my new limitations and just figure out how I will get by the next several months.  I try not to think about what might happen if there is permanent damage.  I can’t think about that – and yet, here I am contemplating the “what ifs” anyway.  With so much up in the air, it does makes it harder.  “Hurry up and wait”  to go see the next specialist.

What really gets me is  that I feel like all of this was avoidable, which makes me angry.  Yeah, I’m pissed off .  The more I learn and research everything, the more pissed off I get.   I know it’s senseless to be bitter, and to think, “why me?”… but, I think it anyway.  Why am I one of the lucky ones to have these kinds or “rare” problems (or maybe not so rare according to the FDA).  Why didn’t I know of these warnings before I had surgery?  Why me???  Thanks to the internet I am learning I’m not alone… and while it’s nice to know I’m not alone…  and talk to others who can understand… it also just makes me more sick to know how many are going through this senseless suffering.

My 10 year old told me the other day that he doesn’t like me like this.   He wasn’t trying to be mean…  just honest.  Well, I can relate.  I don’t like me like this either!  I feel like I’m turning into everything I don’t want to be.  I feel like I’m the Anti-Sam or something!?

I don’t want to be like this.

But, today, I don’t know how to be any other way…

Maybe tomorrow I’ll find a way to not be so bitter.

talk to me...

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