2012-11-27 – A sorry mess…

I’m learning I need to quite making plans.  I have always tried to “do what I say, and say what I mean”…  but, lately, this doesn’t work for me.  I will mean things when I say them  –  but, then, when it comes down to it, I just can’t make myself do 1/2 the things I think I should be able to do anymore…  because I’m physically just not able to… and I hate being like that… like this… but, it happens more and more lately….

So, I guess I need to accept this is how I am right now… handicapped. There, I said it.  I’m handicapped, and there’s nothing I can do about it right now. Hopefully, it will be better in the future – I am lucky to be going to the best for surgery in the near future…  so, I have high hopes I will be better.  Like really high hopes… and I know I’m lucky to have that…  but right now?   – life is a guessing game each day for me…   and I’m not fucking Kreskin.  I can’t know how I will be tomorrow… and, I’m sick of apologizing all the time when I fall short.  It’s like adding injury to insult.  Like a double slap in the face.  First, is when I realize I can’t do whatever it was I thought I could/would do.  Then, the second is when I feel like I’m letting someone down.

Lately I say “I’m sorry” a lot.  Like, A LOT.  Sorry I didn’t get this done, or that done… Sorry I can’t make it to this meeting… or to that event…   Sorry I’m such a pain in the ass… Sorry I’m such a downer… Sorry I’m a crappy Mom…. Wife… Friend.  Now, I’m sorry for being so sorry! WTF?  I am dealing with all this crap – my whole life feels like it’s upside down –  and then I feel guilty all the time on top of it?!  Ugh. It’s not right.  So, I decided I’m gonna try real hard to STOP apologizing for myself.

I have a long history of doing this – feeling guilty and responsible for things even when they are not my fault.  I’ve done it nearly my whole life.  I thought I was better about it the last few year.  I thought, I finally worked through a lot of crap.  Then, I caught myself, in tears, apologizing for something and beating myself up about it and thought, “Wow, I have taken this guilt-tripping thing to a whole new level!”.  Which led me to the other infamous, ever repeating internal question of, “what the hell is wrong with me?!?”.

Well, no more.  Screw it.  Life is too short, and I don’t need to feel guilty on top of everything else I’m dealing with right now.  All I can do, is all I can do.  for now, I need to start saying, “I’ll try”… and not “I will”, because the fact of the matter is that there’s a good chance I won’t be able to.     And, then, if I can’t do it, I’ll say I can’t… but, I need to stop apologizing and feeling guilty about it.

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