Sick and Tired

I’ve written in the past about sob stories  and misery…  and most likely I’ll probably will again… like it or not.  We all need to vent right?  Everyone does it – tells sob stories and tales of misery, I mean.  I think it’s easier to write when you’re miserable.  Maybe, more necessary then.  Gotta get that poison out, right?  Besides, people get pain & misery.  The are  universal truths,  right?   That’s why there are so many sayings like “everyone has a sob story to tell“,  and “misery loves company“, etc.  But you know what?   I’m finding that when you really do have a sob story to tell, and you really are miserable and in need of company…  especially if it’s not a minor issue but something a little more, shall we say…. “chronic”, for example?  Well then, guess what?  NOBODY wants to hear it.  Not really.

Sure,  some really do care.  Some.  Very few, really.  

For them, I’m eternally grateful… and sorry that they have to go through this with me as well…  I am.   I know I’m fortunate to have people in my life who really do care – but, lets face it, this IS hard and they must get sick and tired of me being sick and tired too.  I try not to burden them too much… but, I feel like I do anyway… so, I will try harder.

Then, there are those who don’t really care but will act like they do for at least a few minutes.  Often, it’s just so that you will hear them out.  They, of course, have bigger & badder sob stories than you do.   So they will smile and nod, and listen to you with the deep look of concern on their face… just as long as they get their turn.  They can hardly wait for a break in conversation when they can jump on that misery bandwagon.  It IS a tempting little ride sometimes, eh?  And, they may really need someone to listen to them… so, I will try harder.

Others are worse.  They pretend to care just because they love the dirt.  I can’t stand these people.  They seem to just get off on spreading your misery around.  They roll around in it like a dog with a freshly killed woodchuck.  I try to avoid talking to them at all.  I try not to even let them see me wince.  I don’t want to give them any crumbs. I will try even harder not to.

Still, for every one person that can even pretend to care, there’s about a hundred more that really could care less and are quite obvious about it.   Oh, maybe you thought they cared…. but, you soon found out you were wrong.   Or, maybe they are never someone that you would have thought should care in the first place…  but still didn’t expect such blatant disregard from.  Either way, you can read it on their face the second you open your mouth after they ask you, “how are you today?”.    You realize you were suppose to just say, “I’m fine, thanks. “, and then politely shut up and spare them any honesty.   Many, just stop asking.  They don’t want to hear the answer.  Subjects change quickly in conversations.  Or conversations never start.  Messages go unanswered.  Excuses run rampant.  It’s okay people.  I don’t want to talk to you either…  and I’ll try not to.  Not for your sake, but for mine.

Regardless, if it’s real, or pretend concern…  most folks  can only do it for so long  before they want you to cheer the hell up, and/or shut the fuck up.  Sure some can withstand more woe than others, but eventually even the dearest of friends & family will have had all they can stands and they can’t stands no more! (You have to say that in your best Popeye voice).  I don’t really blame them.   Hell, I don’t even want to hear me sometimes.  This shit has been going on too long already.  I’m sick and tired of  being sick and tired too!  I want to act like I’m fine as much as you want me to.  I’d rather BE fine, but, believe me – I would settle for just appearing to be fine.  Sometimes, I try it..  I try it a lot, actually.   I will smile, and say, “I’m good!”… and try to mean it.  But, it’s not easy folks… ’cause (newsflash!) – I’m not.  Even if I can refrain from saying, “ow ow oww”… usually, my limp and cane will ultimately give me away anyway…  *sigh*

I always thought I had a pretty high tolerance myself for pain.  My own, and others.   I sort of pride myself on being strong, and being one of the ones that folks could count on to “be there” if/when they needed me.   But, looking back I guess I’ve had my limits too, and still do.  We all do, right?  It’s only natural.  If anything, I have  probably become worse in this department lately.  There’s something about being in pain yourself that makes it hard to care about other people as much – literally, and emotionally.   I’m sorry about that too… and will try to still be a good listener and find ways I can still be there for others.

I guess I’m pretty much finding out who my friends are, as well as what their limits are.  Like I said, I don’t blame then.  Not really.  I’m not much fun lately.  I know that.  Try as I may to “keep up” with my old self – it’ ain’t working.  I’m actually amazed that more of my friends /family haven’t already dropped out of the picture.  And while I was surprised at first when some of them did disappear or just didn’t seem to “get” it  – ?…well, now I get it.  And I’m not mad.  I don’t like it –  but i get it.   Plus, it makes me appreciate my family and the ones who really have been there for me, so much more.

It’s going on two years since all this crap started.  I’ll spare you the gory details… but, basically what should have been a minor surgery, turned into major problems and within months I could hardly walk.  It’s going on one year since I had a different corrective surgery that I thought would fix me up.  It was kind of a big deal… had to go to a specialist across the country and wound up being out of work for months.  It wasn’t easy, but I thought I did what I had to do, and that if I did that, I’d get better.  Well, I got better, but not all the way better.   Turns out, I have some problems that will require yet another surgery.  At least this one is more cut and dry then the last and I won’t have to fly across the country to a specialist….  and, supposedly, this will fix me up.   A new hip.  That’s all.  Just a hip replacement.  Those are fairly common, right?  Just seems like a bit much on top of everything – but, I’m trying to convince myself it is no big deal.   I’m young for a hip replacement, but at this point it’s either that or I start looking into a nice motor scooter because I can hardly walk even with a cane, or crutch… which I’ve been using for a year and a half now and is getting really old.  So, hip replacement it is!  I just hope it works and I can get back to feeling somewhat like me again.  It’s gonna be a long next few months… but, what the hell? I’ve already been dealing with this crap for 21 months.  What’s a few more, right? Right.  Then, hopefully, I can chalk these last few years up as the “sick and tired” years…  or the years of discovery.

I know that’s not the end of the world.  I know it could be much, MUCH, worse.  I know I’m so lucky I’m not as bad as I was a year ago at this time… and, that there’s an end in sight,.   I hope!  Forgive me if I have trust issues now of the whole healthcare industry.   I am 100% positive there are others out there who have it much worse….  and they would think what I’m going through is a walk in the park…  and probably would tell me to quit my belly-aching and that I should just shut the fuck up.  And, I probably should.  So, I will.   Or, I will at least really try to.

Live and learn… Live and learn.

~ smj

4 Comments to “Sick and Tired”

  1. You have every right to vent and NOT shut the fuck up. Keeping all that inside is a certain sort of death sentence.. People don’t want to hear sometimes out of FEAR that it could be them in your shoes.
    As for most of the others you mentioned–I think you nailed a lot of heads quite neatly.
    There’s mental anguish, physical pain and emotional trauma –not fun–for everyone. We live in a culture, I am assuming you’re swimming mainly in the mainstream here–that doesn’t know how to CARE for people. It’s a sign of its serious dysfunction and probably at the root of its eventual demise.
    Sorry to have been out of ‘touch’. I’m not inclined to share as openly as you have here, but we’ve been walking on some similar train tracks. Hmm.

    This isn’t quite what I want, but it will do for the moment until I find the right one:

  2. Thank you for the nice comment, and song. It’s good to have a place to vent. I wrote this a few weeks back, and had this post and several others as “private”… but, then decided I am sick and tired of hiding how I feel too… and that I should at least be able to share somewhat openly on my somewhat anonymous Sam blog, if no where else, right? I hope so…. because, I already went back and opened up a bunch or previously private posts. Of course, not all… there’s always some things worth keeping private… I do hope you are hanging in there… and that we both get some of this Mercy that Duffy is so eloquently begging for soon. =)

  3. Hello Smanthamj. Okay, I encountered your privacy settings a few times when I tried to visit. I thought you’d gone totally private with your blog since I couldn’t access anything at the time. No problem. Yes, we all need some place, someone, somewhere to vent.
    “Mercy” did seem appropriate–and hey, can those guys dance or can they dance? I think it’s about time the universe granted us a break or two. Then I think of others who are “stuck” totally and ….well, you know how that goes.
    I’m hanging better than I was. :)
    You have my email via posted comments–if you ever need to let loose and feel free. I doubt we know any of the same folks outside of blogland so nothing is going anywhere–except maybe to the nosy nsa whackjobs playing 1984. :)

    • Well, I did switch blogs all together… transferred everything from the SamIam(not) blog to here, and eventually shut that one down… that seemed to loose a few folks along the way. I’m glad you are still around, and I may take you up on your kind offer. So, thank you.

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