No Poems Today… Just Ramblings.

I wanted to write a poem.  Get out some of these feelings that I know are building up inside of me.  That is what happens when I don’t write for a long time.  And, I should know, because I routinely go through long periods of time, where I let this happen.  I don’t write… I don’t process or deal with things.  And, here I am again.

I looked at some drafts of poems that I had started, and thought they might be a good place to start…  but, it’s been too long.  They no longer make sense to me.  So,  I decided I would write a brand new poem.  But, I just stared at the screen.  It’s been too long, and I don’t know where to start.  So much has been happening in my life.  Problems with my own health, yet again. But, those things don’t seem all that major anymore considering all that is happening around me to those I care about and love. Yet, nothing that I seem to be able to put into a poem.  Nothing that wants to see the light of day,  or that I can use to make something beautiful, or to just try to make any sense.  Not yet.

Which, really, is quite fitting now that I think about it.  Because not much is making sense.  How do you make sense of your 20 year old nephew’s death from an accidental drug over-dose?  You don’t.  How do you help those you love, your brother and your sister-in-law/best friend,  get over the loss of their youngest child, and their only son?  You don’t.  Some things you just can’t get over.  I know this.  So, I’ve been trying my best just to help them cope…  but, I am not even sure how to do that.

I have always been a good empathizer.  Is that a word?  My spell-checker says “no”, but, oh well, you know what I mean  – I am good at putting myself in someone else’s shoes.  Maybe too good sometimes.  I tend to feel things down to my core… take on other peoples problems as if they were my own.   Sometimes, I start to feel too much… and feel like I own their problems, and try to fix us… or just start sinking with them…   But, then, of course…  I realize I am NOT the one sinking, and it just makes me feel terrible for them… and, I try to be so strong for them.  I want so bad to help them. To heal them. To stop them from feeling the terrible pain I was able to get just a bitter taste of…

Lately, I have thought a lot about my own boys.   They were close to their cousin, both in age and emotionally.  This is the first time they have lost someone close to them, that is young like them.   It has been hard on them, too, for sure.   But then I look at my brother, and sister-in-law…  and while I know I can never know the depths of their pain – I can’t help but think how I would feel if I were to lose one of my own boys.   I don’t even want to type that out loud.  It’s the worse thing I can think of… and yet, I’ve pictured it too much lately… and hugged by boys a lot more the last few weeks.  Truthfully?  I don’t know what I’d do.  And, I don’t know what anyone else could possibly do for me either.

I am glad my brother and sister-in-law at least have their faith and religion.  They believe they will see their son again after death, and that he is now pain-free and in a better place.  I do not really have such beliefs to cling to.   Sometimes, I wish I did… but, those days are long gone.  Oh, I admit to not having all the answers… and, sometimes, I think there must be something after death… but,  I don’t really believe in heaven, or hell.  At least not in the sense I was brought up to believe.  I just don’t… and, I am actually at peace with that. I feel better NOT believing, than I did when I use to believe.  And, it took me a long time to sort those thoughts out in my head.  Hell, I’ve written whole blogs on the topic.   So – this is NOT an invitation, or cry for help to anyone to come and “save” me.  It’s not.  I know what I don’t believe.  It just makes me wonder how I would possibly deal with losing a child. ?

It’s not like I have not lost loved ones, though.  I have lost both my parents now.  While that is not comparable to the loss of a child – it still was no picnic.  Instead of believing in heaven, I have sought comfort in the here and now.  In good memories…  In thinking positive… In appreciating what I do have, and what I did have.  I tend to think about what my loved ones would want for me.  What would make them happy?  I know they would not want me to be miserable forever over them.  They would want me to live my life.   They would want me to find joy and happiness.  Just as I would wish for my children or loved ones.

I have often thought about my father since his death, and what he’d be saying to me.  We were very close, so it is actually pretty easy to do.  And, now…  Now, I am watching my poor brother try to comfort his daughters over the loss of their brother.  Through his own immense grief, and guilt, he is worried about them.  He doesn’t want to lose them too… or for them to lose themselves.   And,  I hear him telling them almost exactly what I’ve imagined many times that my father would be saying to me if he were here…

It’s always been amazing how much my brother is like my father… and how much his son, was like him.  ( “Was”  =(  Ouch.  Man, it’s hard to put some things, and people in the past tense. )   I have also heard many stories about my grandfather too… and how much my father (so, really, ALL of them) were alike.  Good and bad parts.  They all shared the same name too.  And, now?  There will be no more generations of that name.  =(   Now that chain is broken.

But, is it? Because another thing that does give me comfort, is my belief in the whole ripple effect theory.  I believe that every act, good or bad, sets out a chain reaction…  A ripple effect…  That could go on… and on… and on… indefinitely.   I believe that our loved ones live on in our hearts… and minds…  through our own actions and deeds.  And, that through them… with them… we can keep influencing events, actions, and people… People never met…  People we never even thought about.

So, a single act of kindness can change things for generations to come.  I like to think that acts of love, and kindness, produce more powerful, far stronger waves than negative acts cause.  That could just be my eternal optimism and the influence of all those Disney movies I’ve watched over the years kicking in, but I don’t know…  ??   I’m pretty sure that’s true.

I also have to believe that having love, real love, in your life…  for however long, and in whatever form, has to always be worth the pain of losing it.

Huh.  Guess I do have some blind faith after-all.

pooh

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