Writer, heal thyself

I need to just start writing, before I don’t. Now is not the time to think of a catchy title (Titles were never my forte anyway). Now is not the time to think about all the things I SHOULD be writing about. I can’t worry about spelling or what anyone else might think if they read this. I can’t even think if I will even post this or not.

I

just

need

to

write.

Before I don’t. Again. Before I put it off. Again. Shit, I listened to a meditation on my “Calm” app this morning about “procrastination”. I decided I was finally going to start using that app, and really try to get into meditating, and THEN, I was GOING to actually come here and WRITE something. Anything, I told myself. Started the 10 minute meditation, and then 2 minutes in, I actually paused it because I could not stop thinking that I should really go feed the birds first. ? LOL As I walked away, I realized I was PROCRASTINATING doing the session on procrastinating. ?!?

Anyway – yes… I did finally listen to it… kind of… and, now, I’m here. I have been away for too long. I don’t have any good excuses. Yes – there’s all kinds of things happening… with me… with my family… friends… the world. There’s the pandemic… politics… shit, Joe Biden was JUST announced president elect! (and, I am NOT getting into all of THAT right now. You’re welcome!). I have a million things I feel like I could and should catch up on… a million things I feel like I should be saying, doing, writing…

Writing has fallen to the bottom of the priority list for me, once again. History repeats. I’ve had this talk with myself many, MANY, maaaaaaany times.

I told myself today, I was going to start over. Start trying to fix myself again. Well, “fix” sounds a bit harsh, I guess. It is what I meant. But, I realize as I try to write the next sentence after that statement, that it is wrong. I don’t need to be “fixed”. But, I do need some help. I need to start helping myself again. I need to heal – physically, mentally, you name it. I need to start making my own health and state of mind a priority. To do that, I need to write. I know this. I have known this for many moons… and yet…I repeatedly deny myself this process.

Why?

I guess, that is something I need to work on figuring out as I try once again to help myself. Of course, writing is just part of it. I should also start using that gym membership I have again… Yes, it closed for a while, and I have limits on what I can do from my surgeries, etc – but, I could and should do more than I’ve been doing. I should at LEAST be out walking the dog whenever I can. And, yes, I should use that”Calm” app I purchased months ago and barely use. Meditation.. Yoga… I think those things could help. I dabbled in them, but did not stick with them. Then, there’s writing. I KNOW writing is the key for me. I need that to make everything else work. Yet, it is the thing I drop out of my life on a regular basis.

So, I’m going to try to write again… something…. even if it’s gibberish. Maybe I’ll write a poem… I miss writing poetry too… but, if not, I’ll at least journal a little. Something every day for at least the next 30 days, and see what happens. There. I typed that out loud. I normally don’t like to commit to stupid 30 day challenges, or to just about anything, really… but, desperate times…

So…

Ugh. I was just about to wrap this up, when I heard someone pull in the driveway. I immediately jumped up, and started picking up around the house, doing the dishes, and pretending I was NOT writing. ?! WTF? I know this is all me. My husband would not have cared if I was sitting in here writing when he walked in. I don’t think. There was a time, I think he would have. Things were much different then… and we have come a long way.

And, there… I think I have a title for my post now.

No, I can’t blame this on him. Somehow, I need to fix the fact that in MY head, I feel like my taking time to write is not deserved. A guilty pleasure that should only be allowed if/when I don’t have “more important” things to do. And there’s always more important things. I know, in my heart, this is so wrong. It is me, putting ME last on my own list. It is why I am not getting anywhere… and in fact feel like I’m sliding downhill. No, if I’m going to work on “fixing” me, I need to start with fixing that thought process. I need to let myself write. Unapologetically. No excuses.

And there, I have a title for this post…

2 Comments to “Writer, heal thyself”

  1. It’s good connecting with you and thank you for following my blog. 😉

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