Archive for ‘Dear Diary’

June 20, 2021

Happy Father’s Day

First Father’s Day without my dear father-in-law. He really was like a second father to me. It’s been a rough few years, and especially few months for him, my husband, and us. It’s the 19th father’s day without my own father. Not a day goes by still that I don’t think of him. I am missing them both so much…

But, I had a dream last night – which is amazing in itself, because I hardly slept. I’ve been doing a lot of tossing and turning these days. But there was at least a few moments where I did drift off enough… to where I got to “see” them both (and my mother-in-law too, actually). I got to hear their voices, and their laughter. I don’t remember everything clearly, but they were happy & they were saying hello, and trying to cheer me up. I was asking them if they were okay… and happy where they were now… and, then somehow that turned into me whining about how worried I am lately. Scared shitless, really… and then about how much I miss talking to my Dad. I could use a good game of gin, cup of coffee and long conversation with him these days.

My Dad reminded me of midnight swims we took when I was a kid, and the special milkshakes we use to create… I hadn’t thought of that in ages. “Peanut-butter elephants”, “Licorice giraffes”, “Green grasshoppers”, and my favorite – “Mid-summer night chillers”. Those are the kinds of memories he wanted me to have of him today. Not sad ones. He also reminded me that my boys are here with me still. I have much to be thankful for. This could have been a much, MUCH, worse father’s day.

I woke up crying and missing them all the more… not wanting them to leave me… again. But it was also so good to “see” them, to “hear” their voices… their laughter. The epitome of “bittersweet”, I guess.

It was good reminder that, like always, our parents wouldn’t want me/us to be sad. Not anymore than I want my own children to be sad. They would want us to enjoy today… & celebrate the dads – and loved ones still with us. Like we would do with them if they were here. And I just so happen to be married to one of the best Dads ever… and he deserves a great father’s day today.

So, Happy Father’s Day to my Honey❣ I love you so much! Thank you for always doing whatever you can for our boys & the constant love & devotion to our family. And, Happy Father’s Day to all you other great dads out there… Never doubt the impact you have on your children. May you all feel the love & appreciation you deserve today… just like your Dads (& theirs) would want for you.

“The wheel goes round”.
💞💖💕

~ smj

Sarah McLachlan, ‘Song For My Father’
April 13, 2021

Are we positively stronger yet?

I saw a writing prompt just now, when I was mindlessly scrolling positive memes instead of working, looking for some inspiration…. The prompt was,

What would someone say to you right now to make you feel stronger, and more positive?
Write it down. Then, say it out loud to yourself“.

I rarely do writing prompts… in fact, lately, I rarely write… but, as usual, I always think I should be.
Anyway, this sounded interesting… and easy enough. So? Let’s see what this prompts if I just… start… writing…
What WOULD I like someone to say to me? Hmmmm….
———-
Hey Sam. How are you doing? I know you don’t think anyone really cares right now… or that it doesn’t really matter anyway, but I mean it. How ARE you? I care. I want to know that you are not just putting on some kind of a facade… falling into old patterns… pretending to be something, someone, you are not. You’re not doing that, are you? I don’t think you are, but it’s sometimes hard to tell with you. I know you are really good at seeming like you don’t have a care in the world…. Like, you don’t really need an ego boost or care what anyone thinks. You come off like you are already strong enough to hold your own and then some… But, I also know that is not always the case.

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December 6, 2020

Old Bones…

Well, that didn’t take long. I wanted to write something every day, for 30 days. Apparently, that was too much too ask. I did realize, rather quickly, just why I don’t write every day. It’s hard to carve out the time and the desire. Even harder to deal with some old skeletons, that maybe are best left in the closet. It’s easy to think I have nothing worthwhile to say. Even easier to feel guilty about not only taking the time to say things – but, also for the things that I may say themselves.

I did make a few private journal entries. This one may be as well. We will see. I am leaning towards journaling privately more and more lately, and just sharing certain poems and posts. I still struggle a bit with the fact that some people from my “real life” may be reading this. Truthfully, sometimes I wish I never shared this space with anyone close to me. This is nothing personal regarding anyone, other than myself. It is more of a reflection of how comfortable I am in m own skin. Still. And, how much I like having a private space to clear my head. But, I think that is ok. Common, if not “normal”, right? We all need at least some personal space. And, who knows? Maybe some close to me in “real life” are sorry I ever shared it with them, as well. Maybe, there are old bones that nobody really needs, or wants, to see. I mean, we all have enough on our own plates. Who needs to pick through someone else’s bones, too, right?

Too much light can be blinding. Painful. Immobilizing.

Maybe it’s more important to cast just enough light that our own eyes can start to focus and recognize familiar shapes.. as they surface from shadowy depths… until we can see old bones for what they truly are… or once were.

We shall see.

Hopefully.

~ smj

Things grow towards the light
Looking to find what they are looking for
And grasses grow high
In pursuit of the sky
Like those who’ve come before
Now and evermore


~ Untitled (Grasses Grow), A Fine Frenzy

November 12, 2020

Nothing to see here folks…

So far… so good. I said I’d start writing again, and I’m managing to do just that. It’s been, what? Three days? Four? Oh shit! It’s been SIX whole days! Yeah, baby. Look at me go! Lol :)

Ok, I guess I should not start bragging six days in. LOL Especially when I’m just rambling and posting gibberish. Besides, I know that it’s always easy when I first start back at it.

This time does feel different, though. At least a little. I mean some things never change. I start reading through old posts…. old friends blogs… and I realize just how… repetitive so much of my writing seems… so much of my ramblings. Same old struggles with certain things… certain insecurities… certain long-lived issues. Doesn’t help when I find drafts to poems that I started writing YEARS ago, and get inspired to work on them rather than coming up with new material. Eh? That’s life, I guess. You can take the girl out of the blog, but can’t take the blah out of the girl…
Or something like that. ;)

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November 8, 2020

Breathe, dammit, breathe.

I really suck at meditating. I have been dabbling in it, on and off, for a few years. Attended a few classes. Read a few books. A few months ago, I invested in the “Calm” app. It turns out meditating is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I really wanted to like it. I thought it could help me with pain management, stress management, and to be able to be more mindful and possibly a better version of myself in general. I still think it might be able to. I still WANT to like it. So, I’m not giving up on it… but, Man? Who knew doing “nothing” could be so freaking difficult?

For those of you who never tried the “Calm” app…. Basically, there’s a “Daily Calm” you can do each day, which is a 10 minute meditation on a variety of topics. There’s also a ton of other meditations – including sleep stories – and more. But, the “Daily Calm” is really not 10 minutes. It’s a couple minutes of someone (usually this chick, Tara) talking in the beginning – telling you to relax, breathe, focus on you breath – etc… and then there’s about 5 minutes of nothing(that’s the hard part)… and then, somewhere around 7 minutes in, she starts talking again about whatever the topic is.

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