Out with the old… well… maybe not all of it.

So, as I had mentioned – we are in the process of cleaning out and purging things in my home.  Or at least trying to.  Sort of too much going on at once, I think – on top of all the usual hustle and bustle. 

We are trying to paint outside.  Also, re-decorating and moving DS1back into his own room again…   giving his little brother his current room.  Basically, they are swapping.  But, this involves ripping down the old Winnie the Pooh wall paper and stuff that they’ve both outgrown, to finally make room for “cool” stuff.  I really hate to see Winnie go….  but, I guess in this house of boys that are getting bigger, I’m the only one who still likes him.  Poor Winnie.  =(

I’m also trying to clean/organize my office.   I emptied out an old closet, where I had shoved a blanket that belonged to my father.  I put it there right after my Dad died years ago.  When I was cleaning on Saturday I found it…  it was like a solid reminder of my Dad, ya know? It was the one my Dad always used – on the couch, in his room, and at the end, in the hospital.  When he passed away, I wasn’t there…  I had finally taken my pregnant self home for a bit of sleep – levaing my brothers with him.  I think, that was what he wanted.  Bright and early on a Sunday morning, my brother called to tell me he had passed away.  I went up to the hospital to see him one last time.  There he was with this blanket…  

After that, my oldest brother had brought the blanket home from the hospital, washed it, and brought it to me – and I told him I didn’t want it. We actually argued about it a bit… and he was insistent that I keep it.  He told me, someday I would want it.  I didn’t believe him at the time… 

I wrote a poem about it yesterday – “The Blanket”.

Imagine that.  My oldest brother being right about something????   LOL ;)

I wonder if I have to admit that to him also??  It totally goes against my little bratty sister image that I still have even after all these years…   ;)

~smj

That’s My Boy…

Last night… we decided to have a “family movie night”.  Usually we rent or pick out a movie that both my boys can agree on.  It’s sometimes hard to do with their age differences (11 and 6), but they usually manage to make a compromise and neither of them are that picky.

Last night, my 6 year old wanted to watch Jurrasic Park.  We’ve all seen it but him.  We all try to tell him that it is probably too scary for him, and he probably won’t like it.  The more he hears this, the more he insists he wants to watch it.  I even tried using reverse psychology on him, but, he was on to me.

Yup, he takes after me alright.  Always the quickest way to get my brothers or myself to do anything was to tell us that we couldn’t do it.  LOL

Now, I normally do not have a problem telling my children “no”.  But, last night… I thought to myself; maybe it’s not that bad.. maybe, he really would be fine….  we can always skip thru any really scary parts.

I mean, he’s not like my first son was at his age (who couldn’t watch the wicked witch in any Disney movie at 6 years old without having nightmares for a week).  Unlike my first son, my little one is also a “thrill seeker”…  (like at Disney when he wanted to go on every ride he was tall enough to – even rides my 11 year old wanted no part of).   Plus, he is always trying to keep up with “the big kids”.  And, he does a pretty good job of it.  These are traits I also identify with.  I could relate.  And, I thought – “Maybe he would be fine with this”.

So, against my better judgement I gave in to his pleas and said, “fine.  put Jurassic park in!”.

Well – he was right.  The movie didn’t scare him at all.

He was asleep within the first 10 minutes of it…

Another one of my traits I must have passed down to him…  LOL

~smj

I woke up this morning to the sound of swearing…

I woke up this morning to the sound of swearing.  Well, first, there was a loud crash… a splash… an “AhhhhhhHHHHH!”… and THEN the swearing.

Too be honest, I was already a bit awake… but trying real hard not to be.  I heard hubby get up, and knew he was running around… getting ready to leave.  He was late, as usual, and so the normal slamming, sighing, and general mumbling was going on.  But, for once I personally did NOT have any big obligations this morning, and after a long hectic week I was planning on savoring just a LITTLE bit of sleeping in for once.  So, no, I wasn’t sleeping, but I wasn’t going to admit it.  I had hopes of going BACK to sleep momentarily – if he’d just leeeeeeave. 

So, there I was…  feigning to be asleep.  Unwilling to deal with HIS problems of getting himself out the door this Saturday morning.  “He can find his OWN socks!”, I thought to myself as I refused to open my eyes.  After all, when is the last time *I* ran around in the morning bumping into walls (loudly!) and expecting HIM to get up and find me something to wear? Like, some underwear that are RIGHT in my drawer?  Or help me find my keys? (that somehow get lost every damn day!)  Or whatever?!
So, I had made up my mind that he was on his own…

That is… until I heard the crash, splash, “ahhhh”, and loud swearing noises.  It wasn’t the swearing or the crashing that got me.  Because, sometimes, hubby does this over really important things anyway –  like not being able to find the top to a Tupperware bowl.  No real emergency there – but, he likes to make it one sometimes which has made me a bit immune to his mood swings.  No, it wasn’t the swearing and slamming… it was the loud “AHHHHHHH!” that came first.  This was not your usual scream of frustration, but the sound of primeval pain.

For all my bitching and kibitzing about my hubby sometimes, I do love him dearly.  So, when I realized he was hurt – I jumped out of bed faster than I knew I could move in the morning without coffee… and came running.  And, what do I find?  Coffee.  Everywhere.  While my hubby is continuing to spew smut from his mouth, and is holding his arm.  Dabbing himself with a dish towel. I notice he has coffee all down the front of himself.. and it’s all over the floor.  Apparently, the coffee pot literally just fell apart… the bottom dropped out… and, boiling hot coffee went all down my hubby’s arm, front, and the floor. 

Super wife and mother that I am, I sprang into action.  Shooing my boys from the area to protect their feet from the glass and coffee, as well as their ears from the vulgar language.  I strip my hubby’s shirt from his arm and tell him to put it under cold running water  while I start to clean up.  He, of course, doesn’t listen to me – screams something about being late and runs back to the bedroom to change.

I clean up the mess, because somewhere along the line that became part of my life’s job description – “mess cleaner upper” – and I go check on hubby.  His arms all red…. But, he won’t listen or wait… He’s rambling on about the coffeepot, and how we should SUE MR. Coffee!… and then he runs out the door.  He does manage to give me a kiss, and say “thanks for cleaning that up” first….

I’m left standing in my kitchen… feeling a bit bewildered… mop in hand… wondering what it would have felt like to sleep in for another hour, but, knowing that I’ll never know now.  There are  2 hungry boys looking at me wanting breakfast…  and, the list of things that I SHOULD get done today starts going thru my head …

And then it dawns on me. 

There’s no god damn coffee for me now.

Crap!

*sigh*

Suddenly… the door opens… it’s hubby… he’s back. ???  I brace myself.  What did he forget?  And I hope I’ll know where the hell he put it.  I wait for the hurricane of his flying thru the house looking for whatever, screaming obscenities about being really LATE now. 

But, no… he’s carrying something. ??

It’s….. it’s….

It’s  two large cups of coffee from the local donut shop. 

“Thought you might like some coffee” , he says and hands me one…

“Thanks”, I say…  somewhat confused, and certainly relieved…

And, he’s off again. 

Then, it hits me. 

He came back to bring me coffee. 

With his sore arm…
while running late…
and, in the midst of his sucky morning…

I smile. =)

He really DOES love me.

~smj

   

To me… when I was 13…

Whelp… I’ve been tagged… by Rebecca from her “Fictional Reality” blog.   The idea is to write a letter to yourself when you were 13.  This was her post – “Tag! You’re it!“, and is a good read that leaves one wondering… “what exactly happened at her cousin’s wedding anyway??”.  =)… 

It is funny that not too long ago, I wound up writing a post called “If I could go back in time… “.  In that post, I wound up writing about what I would tell myself if I could go back 6 years ago… when I was pregnant with my 2nd son, had a 5 year old son, and was taking care of my dieing father. 

I didn’t plan to write it… it just rolled off…  and the really weird thing is that only a couple days later, I wound up face to face with a pregnant woman – pregnant with her 2nd son, and she has a 4 year old son, and she had just lost her mother.  I wound up in a deep conversation with her, even though we hardly knew each other… and, saying many of the same things to her that I had just written about.  I wrote about this in the 2nd half of my post on “2008 – It’s gonna be a GOOD year…”. 

Anyway – now, I’m faced with writing to my 13 year old self… and I can’t help but wonder if there is some poor 13 year old out there, that is  going thru a similar time that I had, and will suddenly appear after this post and engage me in deep conversation…   ???  Wouldn’t that be something???

Before I begin my letter, I’d like to say that I remember being 13 very well…  and I have my old diary to remind me of just where my mindset was those days.  At that time, I was going thru some major rebellion and learning curves of my own.  I sort of doubt that I would listen to any adult back then too much…  probably not even myself since I’m now “old”.  LOL  But, also true to my nature then and now, I will tell myself what I think should be said, whether the 13 year old me wants to hear it or not!   So, here goes….

Dear Samantha Mariah Jane… 
(yes, I know that is not your real name…  and I do not know WHY your mother always called you that…. and it’s even MORE of a mystery as to why 29 years later you would chose it for your blog name?? What’s a “blog”, you ask?  Ohh… never mind!)

I know you don’t think anyone can possibly understand where you are coming from, or how you feel…  but, you should know that if anyone can, I can.  And, all in all, I don’t think you need too many pointers. You actually did a pretty darn good job of surviving your teen years, and you obviously make it thru alive.  Better yet, you make it through with a rather positive outlook on life and a smile on your face. You have a better head on your shoulders than you realize… and all in all, you have a pretty good life.  But, now that I’m 41, I can think of a few things that might have been nice to know when I was your age (13).   So, maybe, jusssssssssssst maybe – you can take some of these pointers into consideration, ok? 

1)  You are not alone.  You might feel like you are…  but, someday, they are going to have this thing called “the Internet”, and you are going to be able to read about all kinds of people whom you can actually relate to and went thru similar situations.  That alone, is sort of comforting to me now… so, I thought if might make you feel better. 

2)  Your parents both love you very much.  Yes, they have their issues with each other and in general.. but, never doubt that they both love YOU.  Not the “you” that you think you need to pretend to be – but the REAL you.  They do.  You may have them fooled on some things… but, if/when they find out the truth (and ummm… they will eventually), guess what?  They still love you.  Believe it.

3) Your brother’s love you too.  Even your oldest brother whom you swear hates you and loves to see you get in trouble.  Yeah, he might be a little jealous of you sometimes, but he truly cares about you so much that he worries about you more than you know.  He would do anything for you… and there winds up being a few times that he actually really helps you out.  Don’t be afraid to talk to him, and know that both of your brother’s always have your back. 

On the other hand, realize that just because your brothers would never hit a girl… there are other guys out there that will.  You might want to think twice before you dump your drink down that jerk’s pants when your 19… even though, he totally deserved it.  But, if you DO decide to do it… then, after you pick yourself up off the floor (after the 2nd time you go down), and the whole bar is holding him back??  – Use a fist when you swing over the little bar-tenders head and hit him (instead of an open hand slap to the head).  Then still take him to court, press charges, and sick your brother’s on him! The nazi-rat-bastard!   

4)  OK – this is a hard one.  About your Mom….  While, yes, she loves you… you should know that she has some bigger issues than just being a religious fanatic.  She has some real mental health issues.  Don’t laugh.  It’s not funny.  I know you joke about it, but don’t really believe this right now.  It’s scary… but, it’s true.  No, she’s not like her mother… but, it is more than just her religious outlooks, or her relationship with Dad.  She’s looses touch with reality sometimes.  I think you’re better off knowing this.  I think everything will be less confusing and scary if you learn a little about it. 

You don’t need to confront her on it… it won’t do any good… and don’t expect Dad to want to talk about it either – because he’s also afraid to believe this.  He’s afraid of what people will think about your whole family if they know.  His silence on these issues is both his being in denial, and because he’s trying to protect you.  But, don’t YOU be afraid anymore.  You are NOT like your mother… and you don’t have these same issues that she has.  Her problems are completely unrelated to you.  However, her problems DO affect you.  Try to learn a little about schizophrenia or mental illness in general… and, know that when she does things, it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.  It’s also not her fault….  but, mostly realize there’s nothing you can do to make her better. 

5)  Matter of fact, you should know that a lot of things are NOT your fault.  You have a tendency to put way too much pressure on yourself.  It’s good to take responsibility for yourself… and your own actions.  But, you need to understand that there are many things that you just have to deal with…  but can not control. Try not to feel so guilty all the time.

6)  Your Dad is not going to Hell.  And either is your brother, or you, or anyone else that you love and worry about.  It is not up to you to save them.  And yes, it is wrong for your mother and other church people to put that kind of expectations and pressure on you.  Don’t let them anymore. Stop worrying – and go with your gut.  When you have questions, ask them.  It’s okay to wonder, doubt, ask, and learn.  The more you learn, the better you’ll feel – and the sooner you’ll feel better.

7)  The world is not black and white.  Everything isn’t either good or bad.  There is plenty of gray area.  Don’t be so quick to think you know the answers.. or that someone else does.  You know? You are very good at putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.  You are easily able to sympathize and empathize with folks.  You seem to naturally want to help people (and animals).  Keep doing that.  The more you do that.. the more gray you see… and that’s a good thing. 

8) Also, don’t think you have to have this charade of a split personality.  Both “sides” are ALL YOU – and, the “whole you” is actually pretty special.  Those that really care about you, will appreciate your being honest with them and the “whole” you, way more than only getting the parts of you that you THINK they want to see.

9) And, don’t worry about what other people think about you too much…   Ironically, the more you are yourself… the more confident you are… and the less you try to please everyone else… the more people like you… and the better you’ll feel. 

10)  You’re Dad always tells you that “boys always want what they can’t have, and then once they get it, they don’t want it anymore”.  He’s right.  99% of the time this seems to be the case.. especially for teenage boys.  But, this goes both ways… and if there’s ever a boy that you reeeeeeeeelly think you like soooooo much… and you’re feeling sooo hurt over, think about how this might be applying to you. 

11)  Speaking of boys…  You are right to not have any big desire to get a serious boyfriend any time soon.  Keep learning from your friends mistakes… and being there for them (your friends) when they need you.  Even years later, don’t ever feel pressured into doing something just because you THINK everyone else is doing it… or that you SHOULD want to. If you don’t want to do something, and/or think you’ll regret it.. then, don’t.  

Here’s 2 more things about boys…  1) While it might not seem believable right now… some day, you’ll have more chasing after you than you ever imagined.  Don’t be so afraid of this when it happens.  Have fun.  You don’t have to be serious with any of them if you don’t want to.  Give a few more of them a chance then you do.  because..   2) Someday, when you least expect it, and aren’t looking for it… you WILL meet someone who really loves you and wants to be with you forever.  (and, wait til you see your kids… but, we’ll let that be a surprise.  =)

12)  Your friends mean the world to you right now.. and that doesn’t change.  Don’t ever lose sight of how much you need your friends…  but, do question if someone really IS a friend.  Friendship is a two way street.  You don’t have to follow along with any “friends” that aren’t really looking out for your best interest.  Don’t be so quick to follow…  you can be a great leader when you want to. 

13)  Why don’t you try out for a few more activities?  I know you don’t want to do cheerleading (like your father wants), but, you might like to be on a girls sports team… or maybe even in the Drama club? You know you love to sing.  Don’t NOT do things just to spite anyone… and don’t be so nervous… you can do it! 

14) Think twice about giving up on your piano lessons.  I know it’s hard to learn from mom… but, she really is an excellent pianist… and you COULD play like that someday if you stick with it.  If you don’t… you’ll always regret it. 

15) About Gram and Pa – Visit them, and talk to them, and listen to their stories about your Dad (even though you’ve heard them a million times) every chance you get.  Take in every wrinkle and twinkle in their eyes… 

16) Have fun at concerts..  but, do yourself a favor and don’t chug Jack Daniel’s from a wine sac… 

17) You, are NOT fat.  Some day, you are going to look back at how you look now… and think, “wow!  I was actually pretty good lookin!”.  I know that isn’t going to resonate with you… so maybe at least this advice will.  Please try to understand that there is NOT miracle pill…  or miracle diet…  Save yourself years of yo-yo dieting.  The only way you will ever be thin and healthy is if you eat right… and exercise.  Surprise Surprise. 

18) When you write in your diary…???  Try to write a little bit more about Mom and Dad and Gram and Pa and family events and stuff…  I know it’s easier to write pages and pages about boys and parties and girlfriends… but, trust me on this…

19) Speaking of your Diary…. do you REALLY think Mom isn’t going to read it??  You might want to hide it a little better.. or, leave out a few parts… then again, never mind.  That all plays out for a reason…

and last but not least:

20)  and this is very important…  it could save you YEARS of frustration.  So listen up.  

You, my dear, have naturally wavy hair that has a mind of it’s own.  All the blow-drying, curling irons, and hot rollers in the world will NEVER tame it or enable you to have that feathered back “Farah Faucet hair” that all your friends seem to have.  What you need to do is just brush it once when it’s wet, then put gel in it, scrunch it, and then do NOTHING.  Maybe pick it out a little when it dries and spray it.  That’s it.  Women will tell you for many many years that they would kill for your hair.  It’s one of your only re-deeming features in later years. Try to quit hating it so much and work with it.  =)

Ok – that’s it…  Sorry it was so long and I babbled on and on.  SOME things NEVER change….

;)

~smj

 Now…. if anyone’s interested…  here’s a link to Brad Paisley’s song along these lines – called, “If I could write a letter to me”. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fqtbMHfpXY

 oh – and if anyone is still reading this…. consider you yourself tagged!  =)

If I could go back in time…

Six years ago around this time… I wrote a poem called “Twas the Night before Christmas”.    I posted it a while back on my poetry blog here: http://smjpoems.wordpress.com/2007/04/15/hello-world/.  It sums up a very, very hard time in my life… where I was torn between the intense sorrow of losing my dad, and the great joy of expecting a new son…

I thought about it – as I have a habit of looking back and thinking about what I was doing in past years at this same time.  2001 was a big one.  I realized that lately I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself.  So stressed and busy… until I remembered where I was at this time of the year six years ago.  What I’m dealing with today is NOTHING compared to those days. 

It’s all relative…    isn’t it?

And yet… if I could go back to those stress filled days of uncertaintiy and pain…  I would.  In a heart-beat.  Even though it was so hard losing my Dad….  it would be worth it just to see my Dad again.  I would love to have him around again in any capacity.  But, I know that’s selfish of me… as he was not so happy those days.  He was ready to go. 

Then, I thought… what if, I could go back in time… just briefly… and give myself a message?  Back to 2001 when I was literally at my wits end and didn’t know if I could make it.  I wish I could…  just to ease my worried mind… 

If I could go back… I’d tell my pregnant self… to

Hang in there… that it would be okay… that yes, you will miss your father terribly – but, that life does go on… and that you will never regret being there for him his last days… even though it was sooooo hard. 

I’d tell my pregnant self to

 Play as much gin with Dad as possible…  and don’t take anything he says when he’s in pain or drugged up to heart.. he doesn’t mean it like that.  He loves you more than anything and you know that.  Realize that his giving up on life, is not the same as his giving up on you.  Try to respect and accept his wishes without so much denial and fighting about it.  When things start getting bad… Ask for help BEFORE you are ready to collapse.  Don’t try to be so darn strong when your brothers and husband WANT to be there for you.  Let them help sooner rather than later.  It is good for them too to help.  They also need to do that for themselves, as well as for you and your father. 

And, try not to waste time crying these last days with Dad.  There’s plenty of time for that after he’s gone…  but, try not to do too too much of it then either.  That one day… when he finally leaves your home on a stretcher to go to the hospital is the worst.  Well, almost the worst – the hardest is after he’s really gone from this earth.  That day… when you feel all alone, sitting in that rocking chair in his room…   and you cry out…  and hear your own voice in a way that you never knew you had?  Put your hand on your stomach… and feel that baby… he can hear you… he is crying with you… you are not alone…  try to remember to be strong for him.  And, always remember Dad wouldn’t want that… he hated to see you cry.  He loved you.  You are lucky you had his love all those years.. and you still do.  Remember those feelings.  The feelings of being special… loved… cared about.   You will always be his little girl, and special because of it.  His leaving doesn’t change that.  And, you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself and that beautiful baby boy growing inside of you.  Of course, you already knew that… but, it I thought it might be good to hear it confirmed.  

I’d tell my pregnant self… 

Just wait until you see your new son!   He’s healthy and beautiful.  You made it!  You were strong enough to put him first and it all paid off.   He is strong too….  and, he is your saving grace that will help you to cope with losing Dad – the hardest thing you will ever have to face as of yet in your life.  And this new son… he will love you more than you could ever imagine… and make you happier than you ever believed you could be again.  Between him and your first son – you will know you are a lucky mom and will always have a reason to be thankful and to feel loved.  

Oh, and your unborn son will look JUST like your first son for about 6 months… but, don’t be surprised when he takes a sudden turn – off to find his own looks and personality.  And, WHAT a personality it is.  Just sit back and enjoy the ride! You have MUCH to be thankful for and to look forward to.   

And, if it’s not against any rules or anything…  I’d want to tell Dad before he goes that:

Your newest grandson is going to be a real smart-ass… and, crack people up all the time.   He must have a little bit of his Pa in him!  Don’t worry about never meeting him in person…  I will tell him so much about you that he will feel like he knows you as well as your frst grandson does.  We will, of course, miss you terribly… but, I promise that I will do my best to be happy, to have a good life and to ensure your grandkids do too. 

That is what he wants the most, you know.  Just as that is what you wish for your children the most. 

And… lastly, I’d tell my pregnant self… to

Please try to remember this talk and visit from the future… so that someday… 6 years later when there’s no tragedies going on in your life and all in all everything is all good…. yet somehow you STILL feel stressed out…???  You can remember this visit, go back again if you need to, and mostly try to remember to take your own advice again…   

Relax… and enjoy the ride. 

 =)

~smj