Posts tagged ‘children’

June 23, 2021

Perspective

Nothing really matters
now. Only you… and you.
Can’t you see that?

All things stressed about
are just that – things. Ridiculous
things, compared to you.

Work? Politics? The state
of our economy? Please.
Not even close.

Entire cities? Dear friends?
Cherished family. Me?
I clearly choose you.

My sons.  My moons.
My heaven and earth.
If I could just move you

enough to make you
understand. To make you
feel content. To make you
feel loved enough that you
feel hope. To make you feel.

To make you stay. Please don’t
leave me. You are my world.
You are what matters. Even if
you don’t see it.


~ smj

My mission is to keep the light in your eyes ablaze”
– Ablaze, Alanis Morisette

February 8, 2014

Orphans and Mothers

“Mom?  Does this make you an orphan now?”

That was what my son asked me as we broke our embrace that night when I came home from the hospital.  He had already heard the news – his grandmother, my mother, had passed away.

Her passing was completely unexpected.  Quick.  She was gone before we even knew what was happening.  None of us got to say goodbye.  My son’s question caught me off guard, and I felt myself smile a sad smile in spite of the overwhelming pain that had sunk my heart deep into the pit of my stomach.

I looked down into my son’s big, blue eyes as they peered up into my own eyes, searching for – something.  I suddenly worried about what he might find. I didn’t want him to worry about me. That isn’t his job. I felt myself grow a little stronger, for him. As if i had to in order to be tugged back into his world.

My world had stopped up at the hospital. Again. It had come to a shocking halt, along with my mother. I felt numb. Everything was a blur. A bad dream you can’t escape from. Everything else just stops. Nothing else seems to matter.

But, now, my son’s worrisome gaze was forcing me to focus on him, and what he was thinking. How he was feeling. He mattered.

It wasn’t the first time he had played this role in my life.  When my father passed away year’s before, it was this same son, and the thought of how I needed to help him into this world, that kept me going. My father passed shortly before he was born. Everyone was so worried about me. They thought the stress of losing my father would just add too much stress to my pregnancy. But they didn’t know, was that it was just the opposite. Having a new life inside me to focus on that needed me was what kept me from spiraling into a funk.  And, now, he was forcing me to focus on him once again, and the question he had asked so tentatively –  was I an orphan now?

In a way, I felt like maybe I was….  but, no, that didn’t seem right.  Not really.  They don’t have a word for grown-ups who have lost both parents.  Do they?  I couldn’t think strait.  Hell, I could barely even wrap my head around the fact that both my parents were now gone.  I did feel alone.  Of course, I knew I wasn’t.  I had a husband who loved me, children I adore, and many other family members and good friends.  But, they are not my parents.  I mean, really, nobody loves you like your mother or father does.  Nobody.

It’s a strange feeling to suddenly not feel like you have that kind of love, and even support, in your life.  Your parents are your biggest fans.  Well, at least mine were.  Even if your relationship isn’t the best… they are still your mother… or father… and there may be a lot more good there than you really appreciated.   Maybe for some, that is not true.  I feel bad for them… but, for most of us – there is deep love there.  Myself included. Oh, I admit my relationship with my mother was strained at times – but, there was never any doubt that she loved me, and vice versa.   I am thankful for that. And, I don’t think anyone can fully understand just how deep feelings and connections with parents run, until that connection is actually severed.

I tried to concentrate, and stared back into my son’s sympathetic, inquisitive, eyes that had not left my face.  He was obviously feeling sorry for me. Apparently, he knew enough about orphans to know it wasn’t a good thing.  He also knew my father had passed away years ago – a few months before he was even born.  My father’s passing had been anything but unexpected, or quick.   My younger son never got the chance to meet him.  But, he had heard all about him.  I told him so many stories about his “Pa”,  that he felt like he knew him.  He grew up knowing how much I loved my father.  I tried to tell him funny stories, and talk about happy memories.  But, I’m sure it probably wasn’t hard to see that I also missed my father.  Now, my son was worried about me missing my mother too.

“No, honey.  This doesn’t make me an orphan”, I told him with a little smile, trying to ease his worried mind.

He only stared up at me sadly. He said nothing, but his eyes were searching my face, obviously still concerned, and also still questioning.  He wanted to understand the answer to his question.  Normally, I’m all about improving my children’s vocabulary, and as we would read a book, I never hesitated to stop to answer questions, or discuss the meanings of words.  But, I didn’t feel like explaining, this time.  Still, I felt he deserved an explanation.  Some things in life do not change, even when we feel like our whole life has just changed.  Being a mother is one of those things.

So, I explained that an orphan, refers to a child who does not have any parents.  And, that since I was all grown up, I was not an orphan.  I told my son that I was fortunate to have had a caring mother and father for my whole childhood, and well into my adult life.  Not long enough…  never long enough…  but, still, longer than many.  And, so, no, I did not consider myself an orphan.

My son still looked concerned, but seemed content with my explanation.  He added one more word to his ever-expanding vocabulary.

I added a few more reasons to the mental check-list I was working on, titled, “Reasons I Can’t Completely Loose It“.   I realized I had a few really good reasons, actually.  Both of my boys for starters.  They alone are good reason for most things I do.   Add to that the fact that it’s not their job to worry about me.  It is my job to try to make them feel better… and to help them understand things…  Not to mention to help develop their vocabulary.

In the end, my children help me more than they can ever know.

I hope my parents would say the same of me.  I wish I could help them more now.  I wish I hadn’t been such a pain in the ass when I was younger.  I hope my Mom knew I loved her so much, even when I didn’t act like it.

I miss them both so much.

 

 

August 9, 2011

Losing Debates…

me:  “Good-bye honey.  Can I get another big birthday-hug before I have to leave?”

d:  “sure”

(Insert big hug here…  the kind every mom loves to get from her kid…)

me: “thank you honey.  I love you.”

d:   “I love you more, Mom.”

I smiled.  I love this game…  and we hadn’t played it in a while…

When he was little, we played it all the time…  in various forms.  There was the “I love you ___  than ______” version, which would start off with the usual clichés, like, “I love you higher than the highest mountain“, and then would quickly turn to silly random things…  like, “I love you bouncier than the bounciest bouncy ball!”.   This could go on… and on… and on… usually, delaying bed time in the process…

Yeah, those were good times. But, those times just aren’t as frequent now that “d” is a whopping 9 years old going on 15.  He has his big brother to keep up with, after all.  So, I welcomed this chance to debate an old favorite topic with him.   It was an argument that I had never lost in the past, to him or his brother.  Partly, because not giving in is the fun of it… but mostly, because I truly believe that there’s just no way anyone can love anyone more than I love my boys…

So, I said the expected,  “I don’t think so.  You know I love you more.  But, thank you anyway.”

d:  “I do too, Mom.  I love you more.”

me:  “Not possible.  I love you soooo much, it’s just not possible for you to love me more. But, I’m glad you think you do.”

d:   “I do.”

me:   “no way.”

This may have repeated 2-3 more times…  before  d says to me… very matter-of-factually,

“I do so love you more. Mom,  I’m doing it right now.

Huh! You can’t really argue with that kind of  logic, now, can you?  Well, maybe you can… but, I didn’t want to.  Besides, he was right.  I could feel the love that he was so adamantly giving wholeheartedly  “right now“.   He meant it.  So, I decided to just soak it in and, admit loving defeat…  for once.  For the first time, really.  But, what a way to go, huh?

So, I said,  “ok….   If you say so.”

(Smug smile from d….)

(Loving smile from me…)

(Exit stage left…)

=)


Sheryl Crow – Sweet Child O’ Mine

January 12, 2011

I still see him

“Where is my little boy?”
“Where has he gone?”
I spoke loudly to no-one, 
looking past the stranger standing before me
who was wearing nothing
but a hooded towel
with dog ears.

“I’m right here, Mommy!”
he blurts out excitedly
unable to maintain stealth mode
or contain laughter
as he excitedly threw back his hood
and dog ears.

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September 10, 2010

grown

“hi there poopsie-girl !”

“don’t call me that anymore !”

She thought she was grown…

 – smj