Posts tagged ‘family’

March 12, 2018

No Poems Today… Just Ramblings.

I wanted to write a poem.  Get out some of these feelings that I know are building up inside of me.  That is what happens when I don’t write for a long time.  And, I should know, because I routinely go through long periods of time, where I let this happen.  I don’t write… I don’t process or deal with things.  And, here I am again.

I looked at some drafts of poems that I had started, and thought they might be a good place to start…  but, it’s been too long.  They no longer make sense to me.  So,  I decided I would write a brand new poem.  But, I just stared at the screen.  It’s been too long, and I don’t know where to start.  So much has been happening in my life.  Problems with my own health, yet again. But, those things don’t seem all that major anymore considering all that is happening around me to those I care about and love. Yet, nothing that I seem to be able to put into a poem.  Nothing that wants to see the light of day,  or that I can use to make something beautiful, or to just try to make any sense.  Not yet.

Which, really, is quite fitting now that I think about it.  Because not much is making sense.  How do you make sense of your 20 year old nephew’s death from an accidental drug over-dose?  You don’t.  How do you help those you love, your brother and your sister-in-law/best friend,  get over the loss of their youngest child, and their only son?  You don’t.  Some things you just can’t get over.  I know this.  So, I’ve been trying my best just to help them cope…  but, I am not even sure how to do that.

I have always been a good empathizer.  Is that a word?  My spell-checker says “no”, but,

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December 1, 2016

Play

Orange record player
First class ticket out of Dodge
“Puppy Love” express

————

I vaguely remember, the time when I was just little… and my older brother taught me how to write my name.

I remember being very proud of myself.  My brother seemed proud of me too.  And he told me that we could now play a game… a great, fun, NEW game.  I eagerly and happily awaited his instructions.  I would do just about anything my older brother told me to do when I was little.  Something I grew out of, thankfully, but not before learning some lessons the hard way.  This was going to be one of those lessons.

I remember my brother giving me an orange crayon… and he said, “I’m going to go out of your room and count to 100.  When I come back in, anything that does not have your name on it – is mine.”

You would think that

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December 31, 2014

Happy New Year

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately… but, to whomever may still check in here or sees this – I hope you have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve tonight, and I hope 2015 brings more JOY than pain your way!

2014 was not without its downfalls for me.  Losing my Mom unexpectedly the end of January was the worst. Having major hip surgery right after that in Feb was also not much fun… But, 2014 also came bearing some hefty gifts. Hope. Appreciation. Happiness. Health. I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I am back on my feet again, literally, after over 2.5 years of using a crutch. So yeah, there’s that. All in all, I have SO much to be thankful for… And, I am. Very.

I am so thankful for all my friends and family for all the support and love. Especially my own husband and our boys. They are the heart of my world, and I love them with all my heart. I also don’t know where I’d be without my brothers, my extended family (on both sides) and my closest friends. I seriously have some of THE best people in my corner.  Then there are all my online friends, and distant friends and relatives that may be far away, but were always there for me when I needed them nonetheless. Including some of you. Thank you. Honestly.

Now, I am looking forward to 2015. This will be the first year in a few years that I am NOT gearing up for any surgery (YAY!!). My oldest son will be graduating high-school and starting the next chapter of his life (Exciting!) We have a vacation planned this summer with family and friends (Can’t wait!). And whatever else life throws at us. I hope to be able to write more poetry and blog more in the process. =)

BRING IT ON 2015!!

happy-new-year-quote-happy-new-years-wishes-sayings-and-quotes-12411

April 11, 2014

Happy Sibling Day ?

siblingsSo, it’s “Siblings Day”? Never heard of it before. I’m sure my brothers will agree that there are way too many new holidays these days. Must be Hallmark trying to improve sales or something. Sheesh. We can barely keep track of the essential ones. Still, all these posts on Facebook about siblings made me reflect on my relationship with my brothers, and I felt like writing about it a bit. Only one of my brothers is on Facebook. Ironically, he’s the one who until fairly recently was pretty computer illiterate, and I figured he always would be. But, that’s one of the things about brothers. They can surprise you. For example, you can go your whole teenage life thinking that a brother hates you, and then you grow up and realize that they actually always did care.

When I was a kid, it seemed I had one big brother who let me hang out with him, and in the process taught me how to do everything I wasn’t supposed to do. Man, we had some fun though. Then, I had my oldest big brother that would get upset with me for doing those things, and tell on me. Because my oldest brother seemed to love to see me get in trouble and to NOT have fun, I assumed he didn’t like me much. Of course, I was wrong. He was just very protective. I realized that the older I became. When it came down to it, both of my brothers were always there for me, and still are. I always knew that. It’s a good feeling.

Growing up, I was always trying to be one of the boys. Except, I never really was. For starters because nobody was allowed to hurt me. My father would allow my brothers to kill each other – but, they were not allowed to hit me. Of course, they still did sometimes, rarely… but, they sure as hell didn’t let anyone else mess with me. My oldest brother was probably the most protective. He claims this is because he was the one to get in trouble if/when any of us got in trouble. I’ll buy that. The only one more scary-protective of me than my oldest brother was my Dad… and Dad could be pretty scary. After-all, he did regularly say things like, “I’ll rip your arm off and beat you over the head with the bloody end of it!”.

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August 2, 2012

Missing the old man…

I wonder what he’d have to say, if he could see me now?

He would hate to see me this way…  limping around… using a crutch.  He knew all too well about crutches, wheel chairs, and leg pain…  way more than I, or most people, ever could .   After everything he went through  what I’m going through is nothing… but, I know he wouldn’t say so… or even think so.   I bet he’d be wincing every time I did – taking on my pain… taking it away if he could.  I can picture him stiffening up his lower lip and trying to act all tough…  trying to conceal how much it bothered him – but, I would know anyway…  because I could read him like a book.  It was a mutual skill we had going on.   He’d be mad at the doctors and the world along with me…  secretly question once more a god that neither of us really believes in.  He’d want to go punch someone “right in the nose”.  But then he’d make jokes to cheer me up and remind me of all the good things I have going on in my life.  Like, how lucky I am to have all the support that I do have from my family and friends.  He’d remind me how especially great my boys are…  and how I need to do what I have to do to take care of them too…  and, he’d tell me again what a good guy my husband is…  how hard he works… (even harder lately, which is hard to imagine but true ) to take care of me and our family.  And, as usual, he’d be right.

Man, I miss him.  So much…
but I guess I don’t really have to wonder what he’d say after all…

~smj


Old Man, Neil Young