Posts tagged ‘handicap’

March 24, 2014

Almost Home

I’ve almost forgotten
what it feels like to walk
naturally sure and steady
without the constant click, click, click
of a cane that beats in time to my pace
accompanying every other annoying step
making me feel so old and less than
the woman, mother, person I once was.

I’ve almost forgotten
what it feels like to walk
without pain, with just my dog
and sometimes the moon following along
as we travel to the churchyard and back,
around the block, or to and through
our favorite woods, where the creek
is undoubtedly running high today.

The woods…
I’ve almost forgotten
what it feels like to walk
through their trees, with quiet sounds
that drown out the chaos, while earthy aromas
rise up from dirt paths that give way
to my footsteps, with or without leaves
shuffling or crunching along with us
as we move through our seasons.

I’ve almost forgotten
what it feels like to do
so many things I once loved,
but never really knew how much.
Like, how it felt to just be
the me that I once was – playful, strong, so full
of confidence and myself.  Maybe too full
yet still, underrated.

I’ve almost forgotten, almost.
And, what about you?
What do you see when you look
at me?  I know you miss me too, but
have you also almost forgotten? Do you remember
me at all? Can you even faintly feel the spring breeze
that smells like the woods, and calls to me by name?
It’s whispering to us, howling to us,
“don’t give up, you’re almost home”.

~ smj

“In every frame upon our wall lies a face that’s seen it all
Through up’s and down’s and then more down’s
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we’ve been through
Making it, ain’t making it without you

Maybe I’m not but you’re all I got left to believe in
Don’t give up on me, I’m about to come alive
And I know that it’s been hard and it’s been a long time coming
Don’t give up on me, I’m about to come alive”

I’m About to Come Alive, by Train

November 29, 2012

2012-11-27 – A sorry mess…

I’m learning I need to quite making plans.  I have always tried to “do what I say, and say what I mean”…  but, lately, this doesn’t work for me.  I will mean things when I say them  –  but, then, when it comes down to it, I just can’t make myself do 1/2 the things I think I should be able to do anymore…  because I’m physically just not able to… and I hate being like that… like this… but, it happens more and more lately….

So, I guess I need to accept this is how I am right now… handicapped. There, I said it.  I’m handicapped, and there’s nothing I can do about it right now. Hopefully, it will be better in the future – I am lucky to be going to the best for surgery in the near future…  so, I have high hopes I will be better.  Like really high hopes… and I know I’m lucky to have that…  but right now?   – life is a guessing game each day for me…   and I’m not fucking Kreskin.  I can’t know how I will be tomorrow… and, I’m sick of apologizing all the time when I fall short.  It’s like adding injury to insult.  Like a double slap in the face.  First, is when I realize I can’t do whatever it was I thought I could/would do.  Then, the second is when I feel like I’m letting someone down.

Lately I say “I’m sorry” a lot.  Like, A LOT.  Sorry I didn’t get this done, or that done… Sorry I can’t make it to this meeting… or to that event…   Sorry I’m such a pain in the ass… Sorry I’m such a downer… Sorry I’m a crappy Mom…. Wife… Friend.  Now, I’m sorry for being so sorry! WTF?  I am dealing with all this crap – my whole life feels like it’s upside down –  and then I feel guilty all the time on top of it?!  Ugh. It’s not right.  So, I decided I’m gonna try real hard to STOP apologizing for myself.

I have a long history of doing this – feeling guilty and responsible for things even when they are not my fault.  I’ve done it nearly my whole life.  I thought I was better about it the last few year.  I thought, I finally worked through a lot of crap.  Then, I caught myself, in tears, apologizing for something and beating myself up about it and thought, “Wow, I have taken this guilt-tripping thing to a whole new level!”.  Which led me to the other infamous, ever repeating internal question of, “what the hell is wrong with me?!?”.

Well, no more.  Screw it.  Life is too short, and I don’t need to feel guilty on top of everything else I’m dealing with right now.  All I can do, is all I can do.  for now, I need to start saying, “I’ll try”… and not “I will”, because the fact of the matter is that there’s a good chance I won’t be able to.     And, then, if I can’t do it, I’ll say I can’t… but, I need to stop apologizing and feeling guilty about it.

July 31, 2012

Park This…

Yesterday, I hauled myself into work with the help of a crutch and my new friend Percocet.  I got there a little later than usual, and so there wasn’t any parking spots nearby in the lot I am assigned to.  I decided I would need to use my new handy-dandy official  handicap parking hanger, that I really would rather not be  using.

The hanger is perfectly legit, and legal for me to use anywhere – and, right now, unfortunately, I do need it.  Still, I don’t like using it, and really have only used it twice so far. 

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