Focus

Breathe.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep, breaths.

Inhale peace slowly
through your nose.
Savor the aroma of tranquility.  
Let the warm calm fill you.

Ignore the tickle in your nose.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep, breaths.

Exhale stress like demons
conjured from within
and expelled past your lips
with a windy exorcism.

Do not engage.  Do not engage.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep – wait, where are you going?

Empty your mind.
No emails. No deadlines.
Ignore the desperate appeals
to assist under duress.

Let them and your guilt wait.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep –  close your damn eyes.

Don’t hear distractions,
your growling stomach or dog,
your beeping phone or the truck
delivering who knows what.

Come back to your breathing.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep – how long has it been?

Forget all your worries,
and those you worry about.
The what ifs and scenarios
that run wild on repeat.

I can’t.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep – this is… impossible.

Block out voices whispering,
“you can’t blow me away”,
so loudly you can’t focus
on your long, deep, breaths.

– smj

Writer, heal thyself

I need to just start writing, before I don’t. Now is not the time to think of a catchy title (Titles were never my forte anyway). Now is not the time to think about all the things I SHOULD be writing about. I can’t worry about spelling or what anyone else might think if they read this. I can’t even think if I will even post this or not.

I

just

need

to

write.

Before I don’t. Again. Before I put it off. Again. Shit, I listened to a meditation on my “Calm” app this morning about “procrastination”. I decided I was finally going to start using that app, and really try to get into meditating, and THEN, I was GOING to actually come here and WRITE something. Anything, I told myself. Started the 10 minute meditation, and then 2 minutes in, I actually paused it because I could not stop thinking that I should really go feed the birds first. ? LOL As I walked away, I realized I was PROCRASTINATING doing the session on procrastinating. ?!?

Thought Wrong

I thought I was moving on
from my past, from my problems,
from the person I no longer wanted
to be.

I thought I was moving up,
like the Jefferson’s – to the top,
to a deluxe, newly evolved version
of me.

I thought I had moved past
the worst of it.  That I had paid
my dues and was ready to finally
be free.

“Don’t think”, she said.
“You’re not good at it”, she said.

(my) Life Directions

Take two steps forward. 

One step back.  Repeat. Again. 

Smile. The wheel goes ’round.

 

– smj

Keep Breathing ~ Ingrid Michaelson

 

lost and found

I’ve lost myself,
and found myself,
more times than I can count.

I’ve lost myself and found myself, more times than I can count.  But, this time is different.  Maybe because the last time,
I was lost, I couldn’t even recognize myself.  At all.  Not really.  To make it worse, others didn’t either.  I saw the way they looked at me.  With pity, worry, sometimes, disbelief.  I understood.  I felt it too. I tried to be strong, and think positive.  I tried to “hang in there”.  Eventually, I started to believe that this might just be as good as it gets. I decided to give up on the “old me”.  I tried to accept the “new me”.  But, it wasn’t working.

I couldn’t quite let go of old hope and dreams, or the the things I use to do and still wanted to be able to do.  I couldn’t accept limitations and all the injustice that seemed to go with it.

 

(This was to be continued…  but then I never did.  Figures.  I did go on to get lost and found again, and again, though.  How typical of me. )