Are we positively stronger yet?

I saw a writing prompt just now, when I was mindlessly scrolling positive memes instead of working, looking for some inspiration…. The prompt was,

“What would someone say to you right now to make you feel stronger, and more positive?
Write it down. Then, say it out loud to yourself“.

I rarely do writing prompts… in fact, lately, I rarely write… but, as usual, I always think I should be.
Anyway, this sounded interesting… and easy enough. So? Let’s see what this prompts if I just… start… writing…
What WOULD I like someone to say to me? Hmmmm….
———-
Hey Sam. How are you doing? I know you don’t think anyone really cares right now… or that it doesn’t really matter anyway, but I mean it. How ARE you? I care. I want to know that you are not just putting on some kind of a facade… falling into old patterns… pretending to be something, someone, you are not. You’re not doing that, are you? I don’t think you are, but it’s sometimes hard to tell with you. I know you are really good at seeming like you don’t have a care in the world…. Like, you don’t really need an ego boost or care what anyone thinks. You come off like you are already strong enough to hold your own and then some… But, I also know that is not always the case.

Old Bones…

Well, that didn’t take long. I wanted to write something every day, for 30 days. Apparently, that was too much too ask. I did realize, rather quickly, just why I don’t write every day. It’s hard to carve out the time and the desire. Even harder to deal with some old skeletons, that maybe are best left in the closet. It’s easy to think I have nothing worthwhile to say. Even easier to feel guilty about not only taking the time to say things – but, also for the things that I may say themselves.

I did make a few private journal entries. This one may be as well. We will see. I am leaning towards journaling privately more and more lately, and just sharing certain poems and posts. I still struggle a bit with the fact that some people from my “real life” may be reading this. Truthfully, sometimes I wish I never shared this space with anyone close to me. This is nothing personal regarding anyone, other than myself. It is more of a reflection of how comfortable I am in m own skin. Still. And, how much I like having a private space to clear my head. But, I think that is ok. Common, if not “normal”, right? We all need at least some personal space. And, who knows? Maybe some close to me in “real life” are sorry I ever shared it with them, as well. Maybe, there are old bones that nobody really needs, or wants, to see. I mean, we all have enough on our own plates. Who needs to pick through someone else’s bones, too, right?

Too much light can be blinding. Painful. Immobilizing.

Maybe it’s more important to cast just enough light that our own eyes can start to focus and recognize familiar shapes.. as they surface from shadowy depths… until we can see old bones for what they truly are… or once were.

We shall see.

Hopefully.

~ smj

“Things grow towards the light
Looking to find what they are looking for
And grasses grow high
In pursuit of the sky
Like those who’ve come before
Now and evermore“

~ Untitled (Grasses Grow), A Fine Frenzy

Nothing to see here folks…

So far… so good. I said I’d start writing again, and I’m managing to do just that. It’s been, what? Three days? Four? Oh shit! It’s been SIX whole days! Yeah, baby. Look at me go! Lol :)

Ok, I guess I should not start bragging six days in. LOL Especially when I’m just rambling and posting gibberish. Besides, I know that it’s always easy when I first start back at it.

This time does feel different, though. At least a little. I mean some things never change. I start reading through old posts…. old friends blogs… and I realize just how… repetitive so much of my writing seems… so much of my ramblings. Same old struggles with certain things… certain insecurities… certain long-lived issues. Doesn’t help when I find drafts to poems that I started writing YEARS ago, and get inspired to work on them rather than coming up with new material. Eh? That’s life, I guess. You can take the girl out of the blog, but can’t take the blah out of the girl…
Or something like that. ;)

Breathe, dammit, breathe.

I really suck at meditating. I have been dabbling in it, on and off, for a few years. Attended a few classes. Read a few books. A few months ago, I invested in the “Calm” app. It turns out meditating is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I really wanted to like it. I thought it could help me with pain management, stress management, and to be able to be more mindful and possibly a better version of myself in general. I still think it might be able to. I still WANT to like it. So, I’m not giving up on it… but, Man? Who knew doing “nothing” could be so freaking difficult?

For those of you who never tried the “Calm” app…. Basically, there’s a “Daily Calm” you can do each day, which is a 10 minute meditation on a variety of topics. There’s also a ton of other meditations – including sleep stories – and more. But, the “Daily Calm” is really not 10 minutes. It’s a couple minutes of someone (usually this chick, Tara) talking in the beginning – telling you to relax, breathe, focus on you breath – etc… and then there’s about 5 minutes of nothing(that’s the hard part)… and then, somewhere around 7 minutes in, she starts talking again about whatever the topic is.

Writer, heal thyself

I need to just start writing, before I don’t. Now is not the time to think of a catchy title (Titles were never my forte anyway). Now is not the time to think about all the things I SHOULD be writing about. I can’t worry about spelling or what anyone else might think if they read this. I can’t even think if I will even post this or not.

I

just

need

to

write.

Before I don’t. Again. Before I put it off. Again. Shit, I listened to a meditation on my “Calm” app this morning about “procrastination”. I decided I was finally going to start using that app, and really try to get into meditating, and THEN, I was GOING to actually come here and WRITE something. Anything, I told myself. Started the 10 minute meditation, and then 2 minutes in, I actually paused it because I could not stop thinking that I should really go feed the birds first. ? LOL As I walked away, I realized I was PROCRASTINATING doing the session on procrastinating. ?!?