His birthday was last weekend. I was thinking of him the whole day. It’s funny, because I started reminiscing and I found an old post that I posted elesewhere back in April of 2002:
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Date: May 5, 11:04 pmMy son started T-ball this week – and all I keep thinking is how much my Dad would have
LOVED to go see him play and cheer him on… He was an avid sports fan for all us kids, and his grand-kids…All I keep trying to do is picture what he would’ve been saying or doing – and telling my son those things for him.It’s hard to lose that sinking, empty feeling… I doubt it will ever really go away. I just try to think of how my Dad would want me to feel… and I know he’d want me to remember him with smiles… but, it’s so hard. ((hugs)) to you. Hang in there
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When I wrote that – I was talking about my older son. He’s still playing baseball… and this year my youngest son just started T-Ball. He’s so damn cute. I love T-Ball – when all the kids are clueless. It’s very amusing. Every game I go to, I still think of my Dad… and how he would have been there…
My father passed away in 2002… His birthday was last weekend. He would have been 76. I was totally bummed out that day. Usually, my brothers and I would get together on his birthday – but, they were both out of town… and I just was a basket case for the day. I watched movies… and cried any time anyone else did. Forest Gump’s Mom dying nearly put me over the deep end…
That “sinking, empty feeling” never really does go away.
I also found this post from back in 2002:
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Date: Apr 25, 11:25 pm ESTIt’s been 2 months since my Dad passed away… I’m sorry I haven’t been posting for a while…
I just haven’t had much energy or felt like posting… I’m sorry for just dropping off – but, I’ve been pretty out of it.It’s been 2 months now since my Dad passed away. I feel like the last few weeks have been even harder than it initially was after I lost him. Like it’s all just sinking in – and, I’ve suddenly been having more trouble holding back tears – when before I was holding up so well. Lately, I’ve just been feeling like a pile of mush… always on the brink of tears. I still do pretty well holding back in front of others – usually – but, whenever I’m alone or late at night when it’s just my husband and I still up – I can’t control it. Before, I wasn’t crying in front of him either… but, lately I can’t help it. Anything and everything sets me off and once I start it’s hard to stop. My husband just stares at me and asks me “what’s wrong?”… which annoys me… he knows I’m upset about my dad, but it’s like he expects me to be able to pinpoint the exact thing that’s making me cry or something. ??? I know he just wants to help and doesn’t know how. I don’t know what to tell him.I just miss my dad so much. I feel so alone sometimes. I wake up in the middle of the night having bad dreams or strange dreams about him – and, then I can’t fall back asleep before crying in silence for a while first. No-body can take his place or be the kind of support to me that he was. No-body will ever offer the same kind of pride and love that he had for me. I feel like I’m less of a person without him here – which I can’t even type without thinking that if he heard me say that he’d be mad at me for even thinking such a thing.
Since he lived with us for so long – I can’t do anything in my house that doesn’t remind me of him. I try to think of all the good and/or funny memories of him… but, even those thoughts make me sad lately. I constantly picture him sitting where he always sat, and doing the things he always did. I’m so use to him being here… I miss his presence… I just wish so bad that he was still here with me. I lost my best friend along with my father. We were so much alike – I knew what he was thinking or going to say half the time before he said it – and vice-versa… I miss having that kind of a bond.
Being 9 months pregnant probably isn’t helping the emotions running wild. I have 4 weeks left til my due date – but, I keep hoping to go a little early. I am very uncomfortable and sore and can’t wait. This baby on the way, along with my 5 yr old son, keep me going, and make me stay somewhat positive and focused on a brighter tomorrow. But, I sure wish my Dad was here to see it with me. =(
Ok – I’m done whining for now… thanks for “listening”…
I’m going to try to post a little more – and be more supportive in turn to you guys.
I remember that like yesterday now that I read it… the crying spells… at least those went away… for the most part.
My Dad would not want me to be sad… I always try to remember that… and for the most part, I am able to think of the good memories.. and not so much focus on his death.
So, Happy Belated Birhday, Dad… Maybe I’ll go read “the list” again…. and smile as I remember you…
~smj
Samantha Mariah Jane 