Posts tagged ‘grief’

April 1, 2014

Shadow Talk

I’m not ready
to talk about you just yet
or the fact that your gone
but not really gone.

I can’t summon words,
dark or remorseful enough,
that express this, or allow
undeserved escape

from questions suppressed
in fear of answers that may be
too difficult to face.
Like fabled sea monsters
that might lurk below
in shadows, they grow.

~ smj


Collective Soul – In Between

March 28, 2014

Perpetual Teacher

Are you still teaching

guilty lessons from the grave?

Why can’t I just learn?

~ smj

 

“You, who are on the road must have a code that you can live by.
And so become yourself because the past is just a good bye.

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March 21, 2013

Eyes on the Prize

Bright light hurts my eyes
only momentarily
with my blinders off.

So…

No more looking back
or spinning ’round in circles.
Focus forward now.

– smj

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again (lyrics):

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August 6, 2012

Maybe Tomorrow…

Ten years ago, when my father died- I remember feeling like my world stopped.  Everyone just went about their normal lives, talking about normal things… asking me normal questions…  but I felt like screaming, “what is wrong with you?!?  Don’t you realize what has happened here?  NOTHING will ever be “normal” again!”  Nothing they were saying or complaining about seemed to matter.   I felt like everything should change for everyone, but it doesn’t.  Life goes on.  As it should.

I’m not sure how long I was stuck in a funk back then…  but I remember that for a while, nothing did really matter… or at least not the “normal” things that most think matter.   I guess, the old cliche is true… how, when something really bad happens, it makes you realize what really is important in life.  For me,  it made me realize just how little that really is.  I mean, 

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August 2, 2012

Missing the old man…

I wonder what he’d have to say, if he could see me now?

He would hate to see me this way…  limping around… using a crutch.  He knew all too well about crutches, wheel chairs, and leg pain…  way more than I, or most people, ever could .   After everything he went through  what I’m going through is nothing… but, I know he wouldn’t say so… or even think so.   I bet he’d be wincing every time I did – taking on my pain… taking it away if he could.  I can picture him stiffening up his lower lip and trying to act all tough…  trying to conceal how much it bothered him – but, I would know anyway…  because I could read him like a book.  It was a mutual skill we had going on.   He’d be mad at the doctors and the world along with me…  secretly question once more a god that neither of us really believes in.  He’d want to go punch someone “right in the nose”.  But then he’d make jokes to cheer me up and remind me of all the good things I have going on in my life.  Like, how lucky I am to have all the support that I do have from my family and friends.  He’d remind me how especially great my boys are…  and how I need to do what I have to do to take care of them too…  and, he’d tell me again what a good guy my husband is…  how hard he works… (even harder lately, which is hard to imagine but true ) to take care of me and our family.  And, as usual, he’d be right.

Man, I miss him.  So much…
but I guess I don’t really have to wonder what he’d say after all…

~smj


Old Man, Neil Young