Focus

Breathe.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep, breaths.

Inhale peace slowly
through your nose.
Savor the aroma of tranquility.  
Let the warm calm fill you.

Ignore the tickle in your nose.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep, breaths.

Exhale stress like demons
conjured from within
and expelled past your lips
with a windy exorcism.

Do not engage.  Do not engage.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep – wait, where are you going?

Empty your mind.
No emails. No deadlines.
Ignore the desperate appeals
to assist under duress.

Let them and your guilt wait.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep –  close your damn eyes.

Don’t hear distractions,
your growling stomach or dog,
your beeping phone or the truck
delivering who knows what.

Come back to your breathing.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep – how long has it been?

Forget all your worries,
and those you worry about.
The what ifs and scenarios
that run wild on repeat.

I can’t.
Focus on your breath.
Long, deep – this is… impossible.

Block out voices whispering,
“you can’t blow me away”,
so loudly you can’t focus
on your long, deep, breaths.

– smj

Perspective

Nothing really matters
now. Only you… and you.
Can’t you see that?

All things stressed about
are just that – things. Ridiculous
things, compared to you.

Work? Politics? The state
of our economy? Please.
Not even close.

Entire cities? Dear friends?
Cherished family. Me?
I clearly choose you.

My sons.  My moons.
My heaven and earth.
If I could just move you

enough to make you
understand. To make you
feel content. To make you
feel loved enough that you
feel hope. To make you feel.

To make you stay. Please don’t
leave me. You are my world.
You are what matters. Even if
you don’t see it.

~ smj

“My mission is to keep the light in your eyes ablaze”
– Ablaze, Alanis Morisette

Happy Father’s Day

First Father’s Day without my dear father-in-law. He really was like a second father to me. It’s been a rough few years, and especially few months for him, my husband, and us. It’s the 19th father’s day without my own father. Not a day goes by still that I don’t think of him. I am missing them both so much…

But, I had a dream last night – which is amazing in itself, because I hardly slept. I’ve been doing a lot of tossing and turning these days. But there was at least a few moments where I did drift off enough… to where I got to “see” them both (and my mother-in-law too, actually). I got to hear their voices, and their laughter. I don’t remember everything clearly, but they were happy & they were saying hello, and trying to cheer me up. I was asking them if they were okay… and happy where they were now… and, then somehow that turned into me whining about how worried I am lately. Scared shitless, really… and then about how much I miss talking to my Dad. I could use a good game of gin, cup of coffee and long conversation with him these days.

My Dad reminded me of midnight swims we took when I was a kid, and the special milkshakes we use to create… I hadn’t thought of that in ages. “Peanut-butter elephants”, “Licorice giraffes”, “Green grasshoppers”, and my favorite – “Mid-summer night chillers”. Those are the kinds of memories he wanted me to have of him today. Not sad ones. He also reminded me that my boys are here with me still. I have much to be thankful for. This could have been a much, MUCH, worse father’s day.

I woke up crying and missing them all the more… not wanting them to leave me… again. But it was also so good to “see” them, to “hear” their voices… their laughter. The epitome of “bittersweet”, I guess.

It was good reminder that, like always, our parents wouldn’t want me/us to be sad. Not anymore than I want my own children to be sad. They would want us to enjoy today… & celebrate the dads – and loved ones still with us. Like we would do with them if they were here. And I just so happen to be married to one of the best Dads ever… and he deserves a great father’s day today.

So, Happy Father’s Day to my Honey I love you so much! Thank you for always doing whatever you can for our boys & the constant love & devotion to our family. And, Happy Father’s Day to all you other great dads out there… Never doubt the impact you have on your children. May you all feel the love & appreciation you deserve today… just like your Dads (& theirs) would want for you.

“The wheel goes round”.

~ smj

Sarah McLachlan, ‘Song For My Father’

Are we positively stronger yet?

I saw a writing prompt just now, when I was mindlessly scrolling positive memes instead of working, looking for some inspiration…. The prompt was,

“What would someone say to you right now to make you feel stronger, and more positive?
Write it down. Then, say it out loud to yourself“.

I rarely do writing prompts… in fact, lately, I rarely write… but, as usual, I always think I should be.
Anyway, this sounded interesting… and easy enough. So? Let’s see what this prompts if I just… start… writing…
What WOULD I like someone to say to me? Hmmmm….
———-
Hey Sam. How are you doing? I know you don’t think anyone really cares right now… or that it doesn’t really matter anyway, but I mean it. How ARE you? I care. I want to know that you are not just putting on some kind of a facade… falling into old patterns… pretending to be something, someone, you are not. You’re not doing that, are you? I don’t think you are, but it’s sometimes hard to tell with you. I know you are really good at seeming like you don’t have a care in the world…. Like, you don’t really need an ego boost or care what anyone thinks. You come off like you are already strong enough to hold your own and then some… But, I also know that is not always the case.

Breathe, dammit, breathe.

I really suck at meditating. I have been dabbling in it, on and off, for a few years. Attended a few classes. Read a few books. A few months ago, I invested in the “Calm” app. It turns out meditating is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I really wanted to like it. I thought it could help me with pain management, stress management, and to be able to be more mindful and possibly a better version of myself in general. I still think it might be able to. I still WANT to like it. So, I’m not giving up on it… but, Man? Who knew doing “nothing” could be so freaking difficult?

For those of you who never tried the “Calm” app…. Basically, there’s a “Daily Calm” you can do each day, which is a 10 minute meditation on a variety of topics. There’s also a ton of other meditations – including sleep stories – and more. But, the “Daily Calm” is really not 10 minutes. It’s a couple minutes of someone (usually this chick, Tara) talking in the beginning – telling you to relax, breathe, focus on you breath – etc… and then there’s about 5 minutes of nothing(that’s the hard part)… and then, somewhere around 7 minutes in, she starts talking again about whatever the topic is.