Tell Me

Tell me that you understand,
Even though you can’t.
Tell me I can count on you,
Even though I won’t.

Tell me it will all work out,
That it’s getting better every day.
Tell me you don’t want for more,
Even though it’s not okay.

Tell me that you love me so,
And that our love is true
I may not always say it back,
Even so, I do.

~ smj

Strong Enough, by Sheryl Crow 

lost and found

I’ve lost myself,
and found myself,
more times than I can count.

I’ve lost myself and found myself, more times than I can count.  But, this time is different.  Maybe because the last time,
I was lost, I couldn’t even recognize myself.  At all.  Not really.  To make it worse, others didn’t either.  I saw the way they looked at me.  With pity, worry, sometimes, disbelief.  I understood.  I felt it too. I tried to be strong, and think positive.  I tried to “hang in there”.  Eventually, I started to believe that this might just be as good as it gets. I decided to give up on the “old me”.  I tried to accept the “new me”.  But, it wasn’t working.

I couldn’t quite let go of old hope and dreams, or the the things I use to do and still wanted to be able to do.  I couldn’t accept limitations and all the injustice that seemed to go with it.

 

(This was to be continued…  but then I never did.  Figures.  I did go on to get lost and found again, and again, though.  How typical of me. )

Fortunate Ones

How fortunate are black bears that retreat
at the first scent and flake of winter’s light
into dark havens far from frigid’s white.
Bellies full, they breathe sustaining heat

and rise and fall into sweet slumbered bliss.
Unscathed from descending deprivation,
unconsciously content in their sedation,
the unknown is quite impossible to miss.

But, what if fortune crooked its fickle head
exchanging bear’s superficial gifts of sleep
for the restless fate the clever vixen keeps?
If virgin eyes witnessed icy glistening beds,

before a myriad of  soulful seasoned riches missed, what then?
Would the fortunate ones feel fortunate to ever sleep again?

~ smj
revised 5-2013
original 11-2011 (below)

“I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
don’t let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
Wake me up inside, wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run, before I come undone
save me from the nothing I’ve become”

Bring me to life, Evanescence

—————————–

original 11-16-2011:

Where Love Still Remains

Some things, they say,
like certain favorite dishes,
are better after you let them stew,
and rest, bringing on deeper flavors to enjoy.

Sometimes, I’ve found,
it takes time, and a willingness
to try again, and again.  A strong desire
to not only not give up, but to also make things better.

Some people, I know,
like you, my love, are able to change
themselves, and other people’s minds,
like mine.  Surprisingly, against all odds, they move past
the past, to a new place where love still remains, and grows.

~ smj

To my honey… 
I’m glad you’re still the one…

Shania Twain – Still the One

2012-11-27 – A sorry mess…

I’m learning I need to quite making plans.  I have always tried to “do what I say, and say what I mean”…  but, lately, this doesn’t work for me.  I will mean things when I say them  –  but, then, when it comes down to it, I just can’t make myself do 1/2 the things I think I should be able to do anymore…  because I’m physically just not able to… and I hate being like that… like this… but, it happens more and more lately….

So, I guess I need to accept this is how I am right now… handicapped. There, I said it.  I’m handicapped, and there’s nothing I can do about it right now. Hopefully, it will be better in the future – I am lucky to be going to the best for surgery in the near future…  so, I have high hopes I will be better.  Like really high hopes… and I know I’m lucky to have that…  but right now?   – life is a guessing game each day for me…   and I’m not fucking Kreskin.  I can’t know how I will be tomorrow… and, I’m sick of apologizing all the time when I fall short.  It’s like adding injury to insult.  Like a double slap in the face.  First, is when I realize I can’t do whatever it was I thought I could/would do.  Then, the second is when I feel like I’m letting someone down.

Lately I say “I’m sorry” a lot.  Like, A LOT.  Sorry I didn’t get this done, or that done… Sorry I can’t make it to this meeting… or to that event…   Sorry I’m such a pain in the ass… Sorry I’m such a downer… Sorry I’m a crappy Mom…. Wife… Friend.  Now, I’m sorry for being so sorry! WTF?  I am dealing with all this crap – my whole life feels like it’s upside down –  and then I feel guilty all the time on top of it?!  Ugh. It’s not right.  So, I decided I’m gonna try real hard to STOP apologizing for myself.

I have a long history of doing this – feeling guilty and responsible for things even when they are not my fault.  I’ve done it nearly my whole life.  I thought I was better about it the last few year.  I thought, I finally worked through a lot of crap.  Then, I caught myself, in tears, apologizing for something and beating myself up about it and thought, “Wow, I have taken this guilt-tripping thing to a whole new level!”.  Which led me to the other infamous, ever repeating internal question of, “what the hell is wrong with me?!?”.

Well, no more.  Screw it.  Life is too short, and I don’t need to feel guilty on top of everything else I’m dealing with right now.  All I can do, is all I can do.  for now, I need to start saying, “I’ll try”… and not “I will”, because the fact of the matter is that there’s a good chance I won’t be able to.     And, then, if I can’t do it, I’ll say I can’t… but, I need to stop apologizing and feeling guilty about it.