Thought Wrong

I thought I was moving on
from my past, from my problems,
from the person I no longer wanted
to be.

I thought I was moving up,
like the Jefferson’s – to the top,
to a deluxe, newly evolved version
of me.

I thought I had moved past
the worst of it.  That I had paid
my dues and was ready to finally
be free.

“Don’t think”, she said.
“You’re not good at it”, she said.

Almost Me

Slowly, I’m coming into focus,
I think. One pixel at a time.
I can almost see

All that I once was, elements lost
and found, miraculously, settle in
to what I am now. Leaving room
for hope and whatever I might be.  And,
through squinted eyes, and breath
held tight, I can almost see, almost believe

Slowly, I’m coming into focus,
finally.  One pixel at a time.
I can almost see the me
I want to be.

~ smj

A to Me

specks and energies
teleporting constantly
from point A to me

~smj

Bryan Adams, Here I Am

Almost Home

I’ve almost forgotten
what it feels like to walk
naturally sure and steady
without the constant click, click, click
of a cane that beats in time to my pace
accompanying every other annoying step
making me feel so old and less than
the woman, mother, person I once was.

I’ve almost forgotten
what it feels like to walk
without pain, with just my dog
and sometimes the moon following along
as we travel to the churchyard and back,
around the block, or to and through
our favorite woods, where the creek
is undoubtedly running high today.

The woods…
I’ve almost forgotten
what it feels like to walk
through their trees, with quiet sounds
that drown out the chaos, while earthy aromas
rise up from dirt paths that give way
to my footsteps, with or without leaves
shuffling or crunching along with us
as we move through our seasons.

I’ve almost forgotten
what it feels like to do
so many things I once loved,
but never really knew how much.
Like, how it felt to just be
the me that I once was – playful, strong, so full
of confidence and myself.  Maybe too full
yet still, underrated.

I’ve almost forgotten, almost.
And, what about you?
What do you see when you look
at me?  I know you miss me too, but
have you also almost forgotten? Do you remember
me at all? Can you even faintly feel the spring breeze
that smells like the woods, and calls to me by name?
It’s whispering to us, howling to us,
“don’t give up, you’re almost home”.

~ smj

“In every frame upon our wall lies a face that’s seen it all
Through up’s and down’s and then more down’s
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we’ve been through
Making it, ain’t making it without you

Maybe I’m not but you’re all I got left to believe in
Don’t give up on me, I’m about to come alive
And I know that it’s been hard and it’s been a long time coming
Don’t give up on me, I’m about to come alive”

I’m About to Come Alive, by Train

Better

I’m getting better every day. I mean it
this time.  Better – physically, mentally.
Hell, even spiritually. Everything.

The healing was taking so long. So long
that pain was allowed to take its toll on me
and everyone around me.  Everything.

Tired eyes began to lose focus, and forget
the healing straining to happen. I sank
into despair, my bed.  Everything.

No more.  I’m getting better every day.
Healing is healing, and like me, it is deserving
of time, gratefulness.  Everything.

I’m ready. Can you see it? The light that waits
beyond the gray? It’s there. So here and now – rejoice
for each new step, day. Everything!

~ smj

It’s Gonna Get Better, by Genesis