So far… so good. I said I’d start writing again, and I’m managing to do just that. It’s been, what? Three days? Four? Oh shit! It’s been SIX whole days! Yeah, baby. Look at me go! Lol :)
Ok, I guess I should not start bragging six days in. LOL Especially when I’m just rambling and posting gibberish. Besides, I know that it’s always easy when I first start back at it.
This time does feel different, though. At least a little. I mean some things never change. I start reading through old posts…. old friends blogs… and I realize just how… repetitive so much of my writing seems… so much of my ramblings. Same old struggles with certain things… certain insecurities… certain long-lived issues. Doesn’t help when I find drafts to poems that I started writing YEARS ago, and get inspired to work on them rather than coming up with new material. Eh? That’s life, I guess. You can take the girl out of the blog, but can’t take the blah out of the girl…
Or something like that. ;)
Still, I do feel a difference in how I’m feeling… writing… in general this time around. I can’t quite put my finger on it yet – but, maybe…. if I just ramble on a bit more it, I’ll miraculously come to some new epiphany. ? Wouldn’t that be nice? I guess I won’t hold my breath… so, you shouldn’t either.
I do have to say that it feels GOOD to be here again. I forgot how much I enjoy writing… the whole process. It can feel like there’s no time…. and, I do still have a full time job, and matters to attend to. But, I’ve come to the conclusion that when I don’t take time to write… I will just waste time somewhere else.
Mindless scrolling on social media, or shopping online, maybe binge-watching Netflix. Whatever. I can find a million things to do to avoid work, or to put off doing the laundry if I want to. So I may as well waste time doing something I actually feel just may benefit my mental health in the long run… Something I enjoy longer term. Right? Right.
One thing that is different, is this place is not really my little secret anymore. I mean, it kind of is – because I still use a pen name, and I don’t share this blog publicly in my real life. But, I did share it with a few “real life” people closest to me…. years ago. They probably don’t check it regularly, if at all anymore since I kind of fell off the face of the internet for a while. But, they could check back anytime, and I know that.
Maybe I should not have told some of them about this place years ago… but, I did. It was when all the shit was hitting the fan in my life, and I decided I was just going to tell anyone close to me, and maybe a few that weren’t, anything and everything. I was on a real honesty kick at the time. I had had enough of feeling like I was some split personality. I was tired of hiding and only showing certain parts of me to certain people I knew.
I thought I was going to get divorced. Yeah, I was positive I was going to get divorced at the time. I felt like I didn’t care anymore if everyone liked or loved me, or not. In a way, I was counting on them not to. Once I started being really real, I couldn’t stop. I just started spitting all kinds of truths out there. Including this blog and my poems. I exposed myself, like, reeeeeally exposed myself, to my husband, a few other close friends and family…. maybe a few not so close “real life” people I forgot about. I’m not sure? I just threw myself all out on the line, sat back, and waited for incoming stones to start flying at me.
To my surprise – the stones never came. ? I… was…
shocked. ?! How could THAT be? It was a long over-do lesson to learn.
Being completely open about myself was actually way easier. And to my surprise, people only liked, or loved, me more for it. At least, most of them. Who knew?
So, all that said… Why haven’t I mentioned to anyone recently, specifically my husband, that I started writing again this week?
:|
(that’s a blank stare, in case you don’t do emoticons)
I’m sure he will see this, eventually… (HI HONEY! :)) So, I may as well mention it to him. I will. Tonight. Why not?
I don’t know. I guess, I just felt like he has enough on his plate. Dad’s in the hospital… work… whatever. Plus, he’s not into poetry… and I know he doesn’t really get a lot of the stuff I ramble on about. Hell, I don’t even always “get” what I’m rambling on about – so, I’m perfectly okay with that. I know he’s not really into my writing. But… I also know that he IS into me. Lord only knows why after all these years… and all the shit we’ve been through, but he’s made it pretty clear that he is. Who knew, right? ;) Well, he had a funny way of showing it for a while. But, that was then… this is now… And, he knows writing is important to me… and so, he will care.
We don’t want to go back to the days when we barely talked or knew what each other was doing. Back to when we grew apart so much that it was almost too far to come back from. Somehow, we did manage to come back, though. Started over. Amazing, really. I never would have guessed we could/would at one time. So, yeah… we had a turning point in our relationship after that – and being honest and actually talking to each other is kind of a big deal now…
But, I just wasn’t in a hurry to mention this blog again. I kind of wanted to just see where I was going first, ya know? I mean, it’s not like I’m writing about anything much anyway. But, who knows if I’ll even stick with it this time for more than a week? It felt like less pressure to just not mention it.
I don’t know. Sometimes, I do miss having just my own space – just for me. Well, for me and a bunch of strangers. Because, let’s face it – I could just write and NOT post it publicly. Actually, yes – I DO that sometimes. Hell, I did it for years. But, I do like just throwing stuff out there as well. Maybe getting feedback from others… and maybe something I’m sharing resonates with someone out there. Maybe. The possibilities are interesting… and, it’s always a good feeling when/if you do feel like you’ve made some kind of connection. I guess, we all like to feel that. And, if some stranger doesn’t like what you put out there? No big deal.
But, it’s more nerve-wrecking to have someone from your “real life” reading your stuff. Judging you. Wondering how crazy you are. And when that person really is not into poetry or writing – they may be confused They will want explanations. And, I’m sorry but the truth is that sometimes, many times, I can’t really explain… or don’t want to… or both.
Then, there’s the whole guilt factor for the time spent…. Like, I know my husband works his butt off – so, should I be “wasting time” writing when there’s laundry to fold.. etc…. etc.?
In case anyone is wondering (like you, Honey, when/if you read this) the correct answer to that is “YES”. :)
If you love me, you will encourage my “wasting time” writing as much as possible, because you will understand it is like therapy for me. I’m talking to myself, here (as usual) as much as I am to my husband (who may or may not read this), or anyone else. I can’t really blame anyone anymore for making me feel like guilty anymore. I don’t need anyone’s help with that. It may be from a lifetime of conditioning, but at this point – it’s all on me.
But, FINE – I’ll go fold some damn laundry now.
Jesus.
Get off my ass!
;)
“That I Would Be Good”, Alanis Morissette
Samantha Mariah Jane 