Happy Father’s Day

First Father’s Day without my dear father-in-law. He really was like a second father to me. It’s been a rough few years, and especially few months for him, my husband, and us. It’s the 19th father’s day without my own father. Not a day goes by still that I don’t think of him. I am missing them both so much…

But, I had a dream last night – which is amazing in itself, because I hardly slept. I’ve been doing a lot of tossing and turning these days. But there was at least a few moments where I did drift off enough… to where I got to “see” them both (and my mother-in-law too, actually). I got to hear their voices, and their laughter. I don’t remember everything clearly, but they were happy & they were saying hello, and trying to cheer me up. I was asking them if they were okay… and happy where they were now… and, then somehow that turned into me whining about how worried I am lately. Scared shitless, really… and then about how much I miss talking to my Dad. I could use a good game of gin, cup of coffee and long conversation with him these days.

My Dad reminded me of midnight swims we took when I was a kid, and the special milkshakes we use to create… I hadn’t thought of that in ages. “Peanut-butter elephants”, “Licorice giraffes”, “Green grasshoppers”, and my favorite – “Mid-summer night chillers”. Those are the kinds of memories he wanted me to have of him today. Not sad ones. He also reminded me that my boys are here with me still. I have much to be thankful for. This could have been a much, MUCH, worse father’s day.

I woke up crying and missing them all the more… not wanting them to leave me… again. But it was also so good to “see” them, to “hear” their voices… their laughter. The epitome of “bittersweet”, I guess.

It was good reminder that, like always, our parents wouldn’t want me/us to be sad. Not anymore than I want my own children to be sad. They would want us to enjoy today… & celebrate the dads – and loved ones still with us. Like we would do with them if they were here. And I just so happen to be married to one of the best Dads ever… and he deserves a great father’s day today.

So, Happy Father’s Day to my Honey I love you so much! Thank you for always doing whatever you can for our boys & the constant love & devotion to our family. And, Happy Father’s Day to all you other great dads out there… Never doubt the impact you have on your children. May you all feel the love & appreciation you deserve today… just like your Dads (& theirs) would want for you.

“The wheel goes round”.

~ smj

Sarah McLachlan, ‘Song For My Father’

Well-traveled Poets

If only I could travel the world,
like so many of the great poets do,
maybe then I’d have something
worth writing, and reading. But then,

I’ve been to hell and back
a couple different times.
You would think that should count
for something, no? Yes, and

on a good day, I managed
to abandon all sanity, journeyed
all the way to crazy, and escaped
with barely a scratch. Even now,

I can look up on any night, into the eyes
of our constellations, while inhaling
the same black sky that you,
and ancient Romans, breathe.  So please,

don’t be surprised, at least no more than I,
should you look into your soul
and somehow find me there –  smiling,
beside some well-traveled poets.

~ smj

Every Day is a Winding Road, by Sheryl Crow

What If

What if Reality
doesn’t believe
in affirmations
or that Hope can float
safely to shore?

What if Faith
secretly harbors
only dark truths
within her blinding
white, bright, smile?

What if Tomorrow
considers himself free
and has no desire
to form any ties
to past or present?

Then again,

What if  Tomorrow wakes
finding himself
in bed with the present,
intertwined in a dream
that Faith envisioned
long before she smiled
invitingly, and  offered her hand
to the hand of Hope
who stepped carefully
onto dry land once again,
looking Reality square in the eyes
before lifting her gaze to face
a new destiny?

~ smj

Both Sides Now, by Joni Mitchell

Acceptance…

I woke up, thinking about this poem I wrote a few years back called “Grief” (https://samanthamariahjane.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/grief/)…  I was trying to remember the ending…  I couldn’t remember the last step.  I woke up with the words going through my head, and for the life of me, couldn’t remember the last stage of grief.  I had to look and remember… Acceptance.  Yes. That’s it.

I wasn’t sure why this was in my head at first, but then

Let You Go

When push comes to shove
and it all comes down around me
          I will let you go.

It won’t matter
that you have always been the one
to be there for me when I needed you
and, yes, I know, I always needed you
          and still do.

It won’t matter
that you are the one I’ve always loved
to spend time that flies with
and yes, I know there’s never enough time
           for us.

It won’t matter
what you say, or what I said.
All my promises and plans will come
unintentionally undone
when I put you in your place,
out of sight and mind,
where I think you should belong, and
I’ll tell myself
that you don’t matter,
that I don’t matter, just before
I slip away again
          and let you go.

But none of that will matter
when I come crawling back
to find you once again
and yes, I know you know,  I will
          come back.

When push comes to shove
and it all comes down around me
          I can’t really let you go.

~ smj

Say (All I Need), One Republic